Here we go again...

My dad is in the hospital, YET again. Here we go. . let the fun and games begin. I wonder when it will stop, when it will end. I have no answer for that, no one does. This is dad's second visit this year, and we are not even to the 1/2 way point. His first visit lasted 6 weeks, involved surgery and a steel pin in his hip, DT's, nicotine with drawl, not fun. There were 2 visits last year, with more of the same. There is no-one that can answer the underlying question, how long this time? Is this the beginning of the end? Or is it simply round.. what ever # it is? Will he even come home? Or will we be playing this game for awhile longer? We certainly do not know, the doctors do not know, this is the slow, unpredictable, and painful death that is alcoholism. We were told years ago that it could be quick or it could be slow and painful, there were symptoms, ugly symptoms that would start appearing, they have, they are growing in intensity, and it is as the doctor said ugly. Despite them all he chose to continue down the same path, choosing the easy road, drinking to forget, drinking to avoid living life.

For those of you who know me know that for lack of a better words my relationship with my dad is at best strained. For those of you who do not I will ask you to trust me on that one. For years I held onto hope... hope that one day he would see the light, see that there is life beyond the beer bottle, local bar or 19th hole at the golf course. I guess until the last breath is taken there is always hope, and I will hope that just once he will want to see me, to talk to me, to repair what was broken long ago - hope is all I have. BUT ?

Is it wrong to hope that it is over soon? Is it wrong for a daughter to hope that time will be short for her dad. It sounds so cold, so wrong but I want this roller coaster ride to be over! And sadly it is not because I do not want him to suffer, which I do not, it is a selfish wish, I just want it all to be over, finished for once and all. For the games to stop, for the lies to stop, for the weariness to end. I am tired of wondering when it will end. Just plain tired of it all. Tired of the sorrow I see in my mom's eyes, the evasive answers when I ask her how she is doing, tired of seeing her held back to care for him. Tired of how his choices even now shadow my life.

I know that there are those of you out there that would not even remotely understand those questions, those of you who have great relationships with your fathers, those of you who will feel a hole when they are not here. Those of you who have lost your daddies and wish for just one more moment with them. For you who are in those shoes, you are blessed beyond measure, hold on tight, treasure that! It is a gift of gigantic proportions. I wished, and I dreamed of that for years, but I am not one of those girls.

I will always regret the fact that my dad chose the beer bottle over relationship with his family, that the draw of the drink was a greater draw than his children. I will always regret that, but I refuse to let my life be guided by regret, especially regret that was way way beyond my control. Forgiveness is a gift I gave myself a long time ago. Forgiveness for missed dance recitals, school programs, teacher meetings, promised rides or trips, I let it all go realizing that it was way out of my control. That there was nothing left for me to do to repair that relationship, it is crazy out of my control and only he could make those changes.

The whole thing just makes me sad, that deep in your heart achy kind of sad...sad for what should have been, could have been, what would have been if he made different choices. Yes I want it to end, but mostly I wish it could have been different.

Tough times and Thanksgiving.... gaining perspective

This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada - a time to celebrate family and friends. Gather together to share a meal, enjoy one another's company and reflect on things that are good. Life is not always good, there are all sorts of bumps along the way. I know that we are bumping along in our house, but this is not about those bumps, not right now not today. I had a totally different post planned for today, but this is on my heart right now this moment so...

This afternoon I attended a memorial for the daughter of a long time customer / friend of Remember Me. It was a beautiful tribute to a life cut way to short because of a malignant brain tumor. At six years old Brynne lived life to the fullest, gave it her all right up to the end, many of us adults can learn allot from a life lived like that. A life with NO regrets, a life that touched so many because she actually lived and enjoyed and embraced the moments she was given.

She danced when she heard music, not caring who was watching or where she was, she wore what she wanted not caring for color coordination or what was popular she just had to be Stylish... How many times do we as adults want to get up and dance (or para-sail or sing - karaoke or jump on a swing at the park or wear some outrageous what ever) but do not because we are all to aware of what others might think. Consumed by it to the point of it being debilitating. Life is too short to sit on the side lines and not jump in and live in the moments that are presented to us.


The service was packed, family, friends young and old filled the main sanctuary of the church to show support and love to the family and to honor and pay tribute to angel Brynne. Life is so not fair. No parent should have to say good bye to a child at any age, especially one so young. What do you say to a family in this situation - there are truly no words - Hugs and tears speak volumes at times like this, but words can sometimes fall short.

Then I remembered a customer about a year ago came in to the store just after loosing her dad with a lovely memorial bracelet. A combination of sawartsky crystal beads representing dates, and special people. So I set off to create a special memorial bracelet for Brynne's mom (beading is something I am able to do right now and I am having allot of fun with it... ) here is a glimpse of what I came up with. I hope that it will be a reminder that Brynne's life was not without purpose, and that there are people out there that want to support the family through this. Rest well angel Brynne.

Then there is my cousin-in-law Jenn and her family who are sitting by the bed of an ailing Nan.. who's time on this earth is drawing to an end. A life on the other end of the age scale, a life that was and is the glue that has held this family together for decades. When she goes who will be that glue for the family... my heart swells with sympathy, Jen , Shell & boys, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Grandparents are special links in the family chain. A long life, well lived, a soul well loved by so many, a soul who will leave a huge hole in the heart of this family. Life will most certainly look different for this family. When Nan is called home.


Then there is my dad... In hospital, because of bad choices he has made in life, a life of drinking, smoking 1000's of cancer sticks in his life time. Who knows what will happen there. This is prime example of a life that could have been so different... How is it fair that he holds on when for so many years his choices have clearly been directed to not living, when a young child with her whole future ahead of her is gone. I know that sounds cold, but it is the truth we live with in our family.

Perspective is difficult to see in situations like this. The only conclusion I can come to is that each life no matter how long or short has a specific purpose, what that is and how long that will take to fulfill are hard to know. Some of us live life full of purpose from the get go, doing what we were put here to do in a short time, others the task is more labour intensive and takes decades to complete. Then I think that for some, they search, and miss the point over and over again and are given many chances to figure it out. Stubbornness & pride stand in the way, so much so that in the end they never figure it out and life ends and little legacy is left. Life seems so unfair, and truly it is, but that does not have to be our focus, we should focus on living a well lived life, enjoying the moments we are blessed with, learning from the things that we can so that we can teach others.

I have to hold on to my faith and trust that God knows what he is doing, that is the only way these things make any sense to me. Life is here and it is ours to live. We have choices to make and we can make good ones or bad ones, but we have to make them.

I love this quote from Helen Burns
"we are all one decision away from stupid"
It makes sense.... one decision can make or break life. Think about that.