Privileged, beyond measure

I have been blog silent for a few weeks, not because of lack of things to post, simply because the words would not come.  This is what has been pacing back and forth across my brain the past few weeks. Hard things to grapple with, hard things to write about, important things to share...

On Friday October 1, 2010 a friend and I boarded a B.C. Ferry to head to Campbell River. Not a pleasure cruise by any stretch of the imagination, leave on an 8 am, return at 11:20pm, home after midnight.  Travel up island about 2 hours, attend the service, mingle, then return to the ferry terminal, journey home, it was a very long day in deed.   A very draining day, both emotionally and physically but a very privileged day.  A day to stand beside friends in their grief, to support, to love and hopefully by merely just being THERE encourage just a little.  A day I will not regret ever!

Cancer - oh how I hate you, oh how the mere mention of your name sends shivers down my spine, tears well up and my stomach knots.  As much as I hate to say it you won again... I have no choice, you stole precious life, sucked a mommy from her kids and a wife from the arms of her adoring husband.  The hurt is deep, the journey to recovery long.  When will you stop?  It has to stop! 

Cancer may have won this battle, but Victory was sweet in a life well lived, well loved and well blessed. I did not know Sandy that well face to face but learned to love her via her blog.  Her husband is a long ago friend from our college and career days at church, her brother & sister in law some of our dearest friends "aunt & uncle" to my kids.  Our paths did not cross often, but the connections are there, the connections are deep, the pain is there, the pain is deep.  Sandy and I were first diagnosed with in the same year, different forms, different areas of our bodies, very different treatment plans, sadly very different outcomes.  In all honesty I feel a little guilty, why do some survive and others succumb? So not fair.

An insert in the service bulletin asked us to write our first memory, or a fond memory of Sandy.  What a great idea, what a great treasure for her family for many years to come.  As I sat thinking of what to write, or even what my first memory was, I recalled... 

My first job out of high school was at a Christian book store in Burnaby, a 30 - 40 min bus ride from home.  Almost daily about 2/3 into my trip, a red headed girl would get on, we would smile and just recognize that we were route regulars.  For months, she would get on we would smile, I would go back to reading my book and she would pull out hers.  There is something comforting in the familiar.  Then one day at a college and career function there she was with her boyfriend... we looked at each other and smiled, then started to laugh - and introduced ourselves. Surprising those there with the instant connection. We now had names to put with the faces we saw almost daily.  That boyfriend became her husband several months later and they moved away.  It is a small world, one never quite knows how the pieces of the puzzle are going to fit together, or how many degree's of separation there truly are, and it never ceases to amaze me how it does. 

My heart broke as we sat and her 11 year old son's sobs could be heard through the 100' & 100's & 100's of guests present.  Then rejoiced as her 8 year old daughter got up and danced, then later sang with her grade 3 class songs about heaven.  Family, long time friends & students spoke of a life well lived, a heart that loved God above all and her family next to none. Of a woman who loved words, music and the arts but most of all loved to share a good meal and laugh with friends.  Privileged were those who knew her face to face, as well as I who have known her from afar.  Rest in peace Sandy.  May you enjoy many days of dancing and singing and much good food, free of pain, free of illness free to be you!  We know you are there getting the party ready for that day we are all there to enjoy it with you.

ENOUGH already.......

It can end any time...

I have truly had ENOUGH...

Cancer, sucks.

Before I jump into my rant, let me say, so far I am still good. My health is good and my followups have been clear. (so far!) I am thankful, grateful to be sure, but in the back of my brain it always niggles away... will it return? Once you have faced this monster I think you will always have that niggle in the back of your head.

I am tired of hearing yet another person who has touched my life being attacked by this disease. New cases, some after being restored to health, others so young that they have no clue what is going on. Friends who have friends I do not know but hear about because they are dear to someone I care about. Diagnosis' , memorial services, treatment plans, questions because I have been there... It just seems like there is no end. . .

ENOUGH ALREADY!

October, my new little friend Joey was diagnosed with Leukemia, he is 4 years old. His mom a long time friend lost her sister 17 years ago to the ugliness of the disease, now looking at her precious son and reliving it all again.

December - a friend sent me a Facebook message. Di... I have to come to Vancouver for tests at the cancer clinic can we get together for coffee. She stayed here, we laughed, we cried, we talked for a very long time. She now is on round 2 of chemo. Last week her great niece was diagnosed with cancer wrapped around her spine.... she is just over a year. Her Grandma, my friend dealing with her sister and granddaughter fighting 2 forms of this nasty beast. My heart breaks. My own fears are brought to the front of conscious thought.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Last night was the icing on the cake for me... As I heard a friend who had battled for a long time, had ugly treatments, been separated from her family for long periods of time, far from the comfort of home,who we thought was restored to health, has just been re-diagnosed. The ugly beast has reared it's ugly head, in a different location in her body, this time there seems to be not much they can do. It breaks my heart. She has 2 young children, has dreams to see them graduate, get married, have children, she wants grow old with her husband. She likely will never see those dreams come true. My heart screams.....

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Thankfully we live in a country where treatment for said beast is available where we can visit a doctor, or a cancer clinic and receive treatment, where options are discussed and treatment plans set. At least for Cancer it is so. There is comfort in that, but sometimes not much. I long for the day we hear that a cure has been found.

For another acquaintance, living with Lyme disease this is not the case, 18 years ago we were in the same prenatal class, and she is a dear BFF to a cousin. I regularly read her blog and am humbled... her fight just to be treated here is daily is nothing compared to what I thought were my darkest days. Doctors refuse to treat this life threatening disease, she has been literally fighting for her life for years, then discovers her 2 sons also have Lyme... a disease that is said NOT to exist in Canada and doctors refuse to treat. A disease that attacks at the very core of one's being, disabling, searing pain... not only does she fight with all her might for her self, NOW she has to fight on behalf of her sons as well. It is not an easy fight....

ENOUGH ALREADY!

I read their blogs & caringbridge sites, and all I can do is pray. It seems so little, yet I know that there is so much power in it that I swing from that rope regularly. I hang onto faith - grateful that these friends share that same faith, that they tap into this source of hope and power. Still feeling that it is so little to do, yet it is all important that I do. It is in that faith that there is hope.. hope that cures will be found, systems will be changed, lives will be restored.
Last night I simply prayed ENOUGH ALREADY because no other words were needed to express what my heart was feeling.

Each of these stories have touched my heart deeply, reminding me that our stories, weather good or bad, happy or sad are just that our stories and they need to be told. Need to be shared because those stories are part of my story. Their lives touch and will continue to touch mine, I learn from them, I am humbled by them, I am in awe of God's grace and the strength that each possess in the midst of difficulty. These stories, interlocked, entwinded into my life, my STORY.


If you wish to join me, there is never enough people petitioning the throne of God... here are their stories. Each of them would covet your prayers. If you read them, I am sure their stories will touch your lives, entwine with your own story as we all are touched far too often by cancer.
Joey
Judi
Sandy
Shannon

I will continue to pray because I firmly believe that through Prayer all things are possible and it is truly ENOUGH ALREADY!

Time is drawing near

September 24th has been marked on the calendar for a few weeks now, the surgeons office called in August I marked the calendar, but it did not really hit me until it was actually flipped and SEPTEMBER looked out from the page with stark boldness. My first thought... turn the calendar back to AUGUST and do not think about it. Time still flies like a nasty bat!

Let's just say that September 1st was not one of my best of days! Sure I went about my day, did what I needed to do, but I was not all there, my mind was pre-occupied, and I had to give myself a few pep talks to keep the pity party and tears at bay. Still a few fell. The reality of it is on the first of September I started counting days, 24 days and counting down. Just like we did as children awaiting the coming of Christmas, except it is not with excitement and impatiens because we can not wait for the grandness of the day. It is with apprehension, trepidation, and a little fear of the unknown. Sure this is the second time around and I know better what to expect when I arrive at the hospital, but my tummy still gets a little knot and feels a little off when I think about the whole process and the recovery. So I try not to think too much!

I do not doubt for a moment the decision, BUT in 17 days I will be having some pretty radical surgery. I will be put under for several hours and when I wake up my body will be forever different. There are lots of things to be apprehensive about... this is breast cancer, being under, waking up, body changes, sleeping in the hospital (or more like not being able to) coming home, caring for my self and my family, reaction of self and others after surgery, recovery time? If I dwell there my mind boggles and I do not see clearly.

I know that at this moment in time, I do not totally understand all the emotional ramifications of having a breast removed, I do not think one can know such things until you actually go through the process. I have read some information, talked to people who have been there, connected with a great support group on line and tried to prep myself the best I can, but until it actually happens, and the breast is gone I do not think it will sink in. I am trying to be as ready as possible.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, I have total confidence in my medical team and the decision that has been made.

I Know what they tell me and what is written in the books about Phelloydes tumors and how they are highly treatable with surgery and that chemo and radiation are not needed. That they are not considered life threatening, they do not metastasize...But this IS round 2.....and that in it's self is a tad bit unsettling. It is what it is and it has to come off!

I know that I have 110% support from my family and friends. But it is still a bit scary.

I know or have been told I do not look sick - Nor I do not feel sick, But I can now feel this lump where 2 months ago I could not. It is growing.

I know in my heart that I am not walking this journey alone, that God is walking with me every step of the way. I feel it, I know it, I do not doubt it for one moment! I am thankful beyond words, I would not want to walk this road alone.

Knowing these things my head does not mean that it is translating well to my heart and emotional being some days. There are days when I do not want to lift my head of the pillow... I want to sit and wallow but I will NOT allow myself to let this get me that down. There have been tears, but for the most part, I pick myself up, brush myself off and go on with the days... living, loving, learning and exploring the world around me. Enjoying them as they come -sun or rain! Laughing with the girls, getting them settled at school, working, visiting with dear friends, walking the sea wall come what may it is one day at a time.

And you know what they are all good days (even the ones with tears!) When you are able to wake up and enjoy the day, you enjoy the day!