Privileged, beyond measure

I have been blog silent for a few weeks, not because of lack of things to post, simply because the words would not come.  This is what has been pacing back and forth across my brain the past few weeks. Hard things to grapple with, hard things to write about, important things to share...

On Friday October 1, 2010 a friend and I boarded a B.C. Ferry to head to Campbell River. Not a pleasure cruise by any stretch of the imagination, leave on an 8 am, return at 11:20pm, home after midnight.  Travel up island about 2 hours, attend the service, mingle, then return to the ferry terminal, journey home, it was a very long day in deed.   A very draining day, both emotionally and physically but a very privileged day.  A day to stand beside friends in their grief, to support, to love and hopefully by merely just being THERE encourage just a little.  A day I will not regret ever!

Cancer - oh how I hate you, oh how the mere mention of your name sends shivers down my spine, tears well up and my stomach knots.  As much as I hate to say it you won again... I have no choice, you stole precious life, sucked a mommy from her kids and a wife from the arms of her adoring husband.  The hurt is deep, the journey to recovery long.  When will you stop?  It has to stop! 

Cancer may have won this battle, but Victory was sweet in a life well lived, well loved and well blessed. I did not know Sandy that well face to face but learned to love her via her blog.  Her husband is a long ago friend from our college and career days at church, her brother & sister in law some of our dearest friends "aunt & uncle" to my kids.  Our paths did not cross often, but the connections are there, the connections are deep, the pain is there, the pain is deep.  Sandy and I were first diagnosed with in the same year, different forms, different areas of our bodies, very different treatment plans, sadly very different outcomes.  In all honesty I feel a little guilty, why do some survive and others succumb? So not fair.

An insert in the service bulletin asked us to write our first memory, or a fond memory of Sandy.  What a great idea, what a great treasure for her family for many years to come.  As I sat thinking of what to write, or even what my first memory was, I recalled... 

My first job out of high school was at a Christian book store in Burnaby, a 30 - 40 min bus ride from home.  Almost daily about 2/3 into my trip, a red headed girl would get on, we would smile and just recognize that we were route regulars.  For months, she would get on we would smile, I would go back to reading my book and she would pull out hers.  There is something comforting in the familiar.  Then one day at a college and career function there she was with her boyfriend... we looked at each other and smiled, then started to laugh - and introduced ourselves. Surprising those there with the instant connection. We now had names to put with the faces we saw almost daily.  That boyfriend became her husband several months later and they moved away.  It is a small world, one never quite knows how the pieces of the puzzle are going to fit together, or how many degree's of separation there truly are, and it never ceases to amaze me how it does. 

My heart broke as we sat and her 11 year old son's sobs could be heard through the 100' & 100's & 100's of guests present.  Then rejoiced as her 8 year old daughter got up and danced, then later sang with her grade 3 class songs about heaven.  Family, long time friends & students spoke of a life well lived, a heart that loved God above all and her family next to none. Of a woman who loved words, music and the arts but most of all loved to share a good meal and laugh with friends.  Privileged were those who knew her face to face, as well as I who have known her from afar.  Rest in peace Sandy.  May you enjoy many days of dancing and singing and much good food, free of pain, free of illness free to be you!  We know you are there getting the party ready for that day we are all there to enjoy it with you.

ENOUGH already.......

It can end any time...

I have truly had ENOUGH...

Cancer, sucks.

Before I jump into my rant, let me say, so far I am still good. My health is good and my followups have been clear. (so far!) I am thankful, grateful to be sure, but in the back of my brain it always niggles away... will it return? Once you have faced this monster I think you will always have that niggle in the back of your head.

I am tired of hearing yet another person who has touched my life being attacked by this disease. New cases, some after being restored to health, others so young that they have no clue what is going on. Friends who have friends I do not know but hear about because they are dear to someone I care about. Diagnosis' , memorial services, treatment plans, questions because I have been there... It just seems like there is no end. . .

ENOUGH ALREADY!

October, my new little friend Joey was diagnosed with Leukemia, he is 4 years old. His mom a long time friend lost her sister 17 years ago to the ugliness of the disease, now looking at her precious son and reliving it all again.

December - a friend sent me a Facebook message. Di... I have to come to Vancouver for tests at the cancer clinic can we get together for coffee. She stayed here, we laughed, we cried, we talked for a very long time. She now is on round 2 of chemo. Last week her great niece was diagnosed with cancer wrapped around her spine.... she is just over a year. Her Grandma, my friend dealing with her sister and granddaughter fighting 2 forms of this nasty beast. My heart breaks. My own fears are brought to the front of conscious thought.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Last night was the icing on the cake for me... As I heard a friend who had battled for a long time, had ugly treatments, been separated from her family for long periods of time, far from the comfort of home,who we thought was restored to health, has just been re-diagnosed. The ugly beast has reared it's ugly head, in a different location in her body, this time there seems to be not much they can do. It breaks my heart. She has 2 young children, has dreams to see them graduate, get married, have children, she wants grow old with her husband. She likely will never see those dreams come true. My heart screams.....

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Thankfully we live in a country where treatment for said beast is available where we can visit a doctor, or a cancer clinic and receive treatment, where options are discussed and treatment plans set. At least for Cancer it is so. There is comfort in that, but sometimes not much. I long for the day we hear that a cure has been found.

For another acquaintance, living with Lyme disease this is not the case, 18 years ago we were in the same prenatal class, and she is a dear BFF to a cousin. I regularly read her blog and am humbled... her fight just to be treated here is daily is nothing compared to what I thought were my darkest days. Doctors refuse to treat this life threatening disease, she has been literally fighting for her life for years, then discovers her 2 sons also have Lyme... a disease that is said NOT to exist in Canada and doctors refuse to treat. A disease that attacks at the very core of one's being, disabling, searing pain... not only does she fight with all her might for her self, NOW she has to fight on behalf of her sons as well. It is not an easy fight....

ENOUGH ALREADY!

I read their blogs & caringbridge sites, and all I can do is pray. It seems so little, yet I know that there is so much power in it that I swing from that rope regularly. I hang onto faith - grateful that these friends share that same faith, that they tap into this source of hope and power. Still feeling that it is so little to do, yet it is all important that I do. It is in that faith that there is hope.. hope that cures will be found, systems will be changed, lives will be restored.
Last night I simply prayed ENOUGH ALREADY because no other words were needed to express what my heart was feeling.

Each of these stories have touched my heart deeply, reminding me that our stories, weather good or bad, happy or sad are just that our stories and they need to be told. Need to be shared because those stories are part of my story. Their lives touch and will continue to touch mine, I learn from them, I am humbled by them, I am in awe of God's grace and the strength that each possess in the midst of difficulty. These stories, interlocked, entwinded into my life, my STORY.


If you wish to join me, there is never enough people petitioning the throne of God... here are their stories. Each of them would covet your prayers. If you read them, I am sure their stories will touch your lives, entwine with your own story as we all are touched far too often by cancer.
Joey
Judi
Sandy
Shannon

I will continue to pray because I firmly believe that through Prayer all things are possible and it is truly ENOUGH ALREADY!

Sometimes life is not fair....

Tonight (well last night seeings as it is 6 am and I have been up for a couple of hours because I could not sleep so it still feels like last night) I attended a memorial service for a young man I did not know, but a young boy that I did and remember. I am connected closely to his extended family, they are the type of friends that I hope and pray that my girls will have one day. The type of friends that you just pick up the pieces from where you left of on the last visit and move forward forging new memories, the type of friends who know your heart, the type you miss when it has been too long, and when you are together time flies like there is no tomorrow. The type of friend that is closer than most family - these would be the family you CHOOSE for yourself kind of friends.

Tonight my friends were hurting, deep agonizing hurts that all you can do is step beside and give a hug and be there. The type of hurt where words seem shallow and your presence is enough. Though truly a sad occasion, I was blessed to be able to step up beside my friends and just be there, knowing that just by doing that they knew they were loved. To be able to share in grief at this level is hard, there are so many questions, and so few answers but it is the right thing to do. At the core of who we are as humans we need to connect with others, connections that run deeper than the surface, connections that bond hearts so that in the tough times you do not feel alone. I am emotionally spent, but would not trade it for anything. Just knowing that just by being there I was able to encourage my friends was worth the red eyes and soggy tissues. I would do it again in a heart beat, but hope that I do not have to for a very long time.

Sitting at the service my heart broke for the sadness in Tom's dad's eyes, pain that runs deep, questions that are there but not asked, simply put heartbreak at the rawest form. 22 is much to young to die. Heartbreak for the tragic way poor choices can end a life in the blink of an eye. How drugs in today's world are such a draw to young people as a way to escape when there seems to be no other way then they hook them and their lives are never the same. It truly seems un fair! No parent should have to bury a child. I remember thinking that for the first time after my uncle passed looking into the eyes of my dear heartbroken grandma , or 17 years ago when stomach cancer took a friend at the age of 21, then yet again when I watched a friend carry the coffin of her twin infant girls to a very small grave, and last year when I sat in the service remembering the life of a 6 year old. It is grief at it's rawest for sure.

Deep wrenching hurt - the kind that cause people to question God, to question if he exists, or if he cares. The kind of hurt that has people calling out to God even if they never have before because they want some hope, some assurance that somewhere in the universe there is a heaven and that their loved ones will be safe there. The God they may have cursed in the past becomes the life line they desperately cling to. The same God that with time brings comfort and healing to the hurts, will also be the same God who brings renewed joy as they move forward.

I know that life is not fair, I could tell you dozens of persona stories to support that, but life fair or not is life and every day we have a choice... we can either live and learn or complain and conk. I choose to live and learn, allowing myself to grow into a better person. Knowing that one day down the road the lessons I have learned will help someone else. Just like tonight, my friends were hurting and I was able to just be there in support and just loving them where they are at. And it was good!

Bitter Sweet Week....

Bitter sweet....

For 13 years there has been a Hilstad child at our local elementary school. For 13 years I have walked in and out of class rooms, interacted with teachers, driven for field trips, attended assemblies, talent shows, student led conferences and grade 7 leaving ceremonies. 3 of those for my own children. As a family we have sat around the dinner table, talked and often laughed about what has happened at school, discussing homework, class antics, and little buddies. All that changes, this past week marked the last day of Hilstad attendance at Forest Grove as Shanna completed grade 7. My baby is growing up, parts of me are ready to give her wings, the other part wants to hold on forever. I imagine this is the plight of mothers everywhere as our children grow up. Next year all 3 girls will be in the same school for the last time in there public school lives. And so begins another chapter in the story of our lives....

Bitter Sweet. . .

For 25ish years, my sisterfriend Lisa and I have had a solid on and off again relationship. We met when she came from Invermere to Burnaby to attend SFU in the early 80's - she showed up at church one Sunday and we have been dear friends ever since, it was and is a connection that God intended to be. For the past 25ish years she has come and gone, home to Inveremere, to Regina, to Quebec, Pennsylvania, Benin, with visits in between here at the coast. She currently lives and works in Niger, West Africa, one of the poorest countries in the world. We share one of those rare friendships that picks up where we left off and go on from there, sure we keep in touch in between, but those times when we are face to face are special treasures. When she is in town, our door is always open, she comes she stays, she fits right in to our crazy lives. This past week we talked on the phone for likely the last time in 4 years, she is as I type on the journey back to Niger for her next 4 year term. Each moment we can spend talking or visiting face to face is a gift that neither of us take for granted. It is hard to hang up when you know it will be at least 4 years until the next conversation. It is bitter sweet.. I know that she is living out her passion, working where she does, but she takes a small part of my heart with her this sisterfriend of mine.

Life is full of bitter sweet moments, those things that we know must happen, but bring both joy and sadness. Things that come into our lives to strengthen character, build us up, teach or challenge us to be better people. The key is to keep our eyes and hearts open so that we can be taught.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts,

and we are never, ever the same.

~Flavia Weedn,

Long overdue!

This post is overdue

Far too much time has passed since I was last here ready to type!

The much talked about

Transit / photo adventure was long overdue.

What is a Transit / Photo adventure you ask?

Well it all started a few years ago at Remember Me with a conversation, between Nichole, Natasha & myself, wondering how far you could travel in one day on a public transit pass. The idea, get an all day transit pass (which by the way is quite affordable at $9.00 for 24 hours.) and go.... just see where or how far you can get. Nichole and Natasha decided that they were going to do it... just get on the sky train or bus and go... see where the road lead, one day!

The conversation evolved into me making a list of photo challenges to meet along the way. A way to make the day more interesting. Which eventually led to, not just writing the list but being included in the adventure. One day arrived this Saturday.

The first ever Transit Photo adventure.....

Saturday May 31, 2009

After lots of... We should really do this

We need to make this happen

It is a really good idea

(I think a few travels to far away may have happened)

Who: Di, Nic and Nat

Where: Lougheed Sky train Station

When: 7:30 am

(Right Nichole? You did say 7:30AM??? that was YOUR idea???)

Back packs packed, camera's ready, snacks packed, water & we are ready to go.

Well except that Nichole was not there! (oops, crazy alarm) She would eventually catch up around 10:30am.... still in plenty of time for lots of fun and adventuring

So begins the adventure

2 girls

2 back packs

5 photo taking devices

1 tri-pod

2 full day transit passes

1 list of 50 photo challenges

(one phone call from Nic, to join up later)

And we were off....

The goal.. to travel via public transportation and take photos...
I am happy to say that all goals were met!

49 of the 50 photo challenges were met.

I am sure that between the 3 of us we took a few hundred photos!

We rode the Sky train, Sea Bus (well 2 of us made that) Bus, Aqua bus, Stanley park Train (o.k not part of the public transit system, but still a fun mode of transportation and Nic could not recall being on it before so we HAD to do that!) and lots of walking. The weather was great, a tad bit warm in the middle of the day, resulting in a bit of sun burn. All in all it was a fabulous day, even the "dip" in the fountain! (yup I sort of fell in.. slipped. Must say that it was very refreshing on a hot day!) We walked, we talked, we ate, we laughed and we made memories that we will each recall for many years to come. Thanks gals for a great day!

Sometimes you do not have to be there...

Usually when someone says "oh, you just needed to be there" when they are retelling a funny story, you truly needed to be there in the moment for the story to be funny. However there are times when I think that things are just plain funny, and being there is not so nessicary.

I light of my upcoming surgery this Wed (7:45 am - yeah God... I was hoping for an early appointment....) this is particularly funny. Or it was to those of us who were there, hopefully it is not one of those "you just needed to be there" things and it will give you a little laugh. I know it will keep me laughing when I recall it for years!

Friday night we were getting together with friends to go out for dinner... something we had been talking about for a VERY long time and under the pressure of upcoming surgery, finally made it all work. Shanna was all set to baby sit and we were looking forward to a great night with great friends. We dropped Shanna off, picked up our friends and off we went.

Discussion in the car started with "So Di where do you want to eat?" To which my dear husband states, in a most serious manner....
"We have been talking, and Di was saying that in light of surgery on Wed she wanted to go to a place that would be memorable and would hold some "special meaning" something to look back on with fondness.... "

D & B are like " Sure, ya where ever... it is up to you". I think they are expecting a nicer, higher end suggestion.....

In the meantime I am sitting in the passenger seat trying looking out the window, trying with all my might to keep a very serious expression... when I turn and say "I think we should go to HOOTERS" The car erupted in laughter and the tone was set for the rest of the evening.

We did not go to HOOTERS, mainly because we did not really want to go to Surrey from Burnaby on a Friday night at the end of rush hour. We settled on Earls and headed out. Once we were settled, drinks had been brought, we had chuckled over the HOOTERS conversation of earlier we began to order....

B orders Ribs... pretty innocuous until the waiter asks...."Is that a full rack?" Poor guy, I got the giggles, Royd gets the giggles.... B & D get the giggles, then he says... well "No one really likes a 1/2 rack. At which point I could not suppress the out and out laughter... - The whole table is laughing and the stunned waiter has no idea...

"Royd says something like... sorry, inside joke" as we continue to laugh....

I am so glad that despite the fact that I will infact be living with a 1/2 rack for a while, I am able to find the humor in situations like this. It truly makes walking this journey a whole lot more fun, and helps keep things in perspective. It just goes to prove that it is the people and the conversations that make an evening like this memorable!

A story for another day.... Busterino Pizza Whistler.... Just the name makes me smile....
Life is good! In the midst of the hard stuff - if you have friends who love you and you can still laugh the hard stuff does not seem so hard!