Usually when someone says "oh, you just needed to be there" when they are retelling a funny story, you truly needed to be there in the moment for the story to be funny. However there are times when I think that things are just plain funny, and being there is not so nessicary.
I light of my upcoming surgery this Wed (7:45 am - yeah God... I was hoping for an early appointment....) this is particularly funny. Or it was to those of us who were there, hopefully it is not one of those "you just needed to be there" things and it will give you a little laugh. I know it will keep me laughing when I recall it for years!
Friday night we were getting together with friends to go out for dinner... something we had been talking about for a VERY long time and under the pressure of upcoming surgery, finally made it all work. Shanna was all set to baby sit and we were looking forward to a great night with great friends. We dropped Shanna off, picked up our friends and off we went.
Discussion in the car started with "So Di where do you want to eat?" To which my dear husband states, in a most serious manner....
"We have been talking, and Di was saying that in light of surgery on Wed she wanted to go to a place that would be memorable and would hold some "special meaning" something to look back on with fondness.... "
D & B are like " Sure, ya where ever... it is up to you". I think they are expecting a nicer, higher end suggestion.....
In the meantime I am sitting in the passenger seat trying looking out the window, trying with all my might to keep a very serious expression... when I turn and say "I think we should go to HOOTERS" The car erupted in laughter and the tone was set for the rest of the evening.
We did not go to HOOTERS, mainly because we did not really want to go to Surrey from Burnaby on a Friday night at the end of rush hour. We settled on Earls and headed out. Once we were settled, drinks had been brought, we had chuckled over the HOOTERS conversation of earlier we began to order....
B orders Ribs... pretty innocuous until the waiter asks...."Is that a full rack?" Poor guy, I got the giggles, Royd gets the giggles.... B & D get the giggles, then he says... well "No one really likes a 1/2 rack. At which point I could not suppress the out and out laughter... - The whole table is laughing and the stunned waiter has no idea...
"Royd says something like... sorry, inside joke" as we continue to laugh....
I am so glad that despite the fact that I will infact be living with a 1/2 rack for a while, I am able to find the humor in situations like this. It truly makes walking this journey a whole lot more fun, and helps keep things in perspective. It just goes to prove that it is the people and the conversations that make an evening like this memorable!
A story for another day.... Busterino Pizza Whistler.... Just the name makes me smile....
Life is good! In the midst of the hard stuff - if you have friends who love you and you can still laugh the hard stuff does not seem so hard!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Time is drawing near
September 24th has been marked on the calendar for a few weeks now, the surgeons office called in August I marked the calendar, but it did not really hit me until it was actually flipped and SEPTEMBER looked out from the page with stark boldness. My first thought... turn the calendar back to AUGUST and do not think about it. Time still flies like a nasty bat!
Let's just say that September 1st was not one of my best of days! Sure I went about my day, did what I needed to do, but I was not all there, my mind was pre-occupied, and I had to give myself a few pep talks to keep the pity party and tears at bay. Still a few fell. The reality of it is on the first of September I started counting days, 24 days and counting down. Just like we did as children awaiting the coming of Christmas, except it is not with excitement and impatiens because we can not wait for the grandness of the day. It is with apprehension, trepidation, and a little fear of the unknown. Sure this is the second time around and I know better what to expect when I arrive at the hospital, but my tummy still gets a little knot and feels a little off when I think about the whole process and the recovery. So I try not to think too much!
I do not doubt for a moment the decision, BUT in 17 days I will be having some pretty radical surgery. I will be put under for several hours and when I wake up my body will be forever different. There are lots of things to be apprehensive about... this is breast cancer, being under, waking up, body changes, sleeping in the hospital (or more like not being able to) coming home, caring for my self and my family, reaction of self and others after surgery, recovery time? If I dwell there my mind boggles and I do not see clearly.
I know that at this moment in time, I do not totally understand all the emotional ramifications of having a breast removed, I do not think one can know such things until you actually go through the process. I have read some information, talked to people who have been there, connected with a great support group on line and tried to prep myself the best I can, but until it actually happens, and the breast is gone I do not think it will sink in. I am trying to be as ready as possible.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, I have total confidence in my medical team and the decision that has been made.
I Know what they tell me and what is written in the books about Phelloydes tumors and how they are highly treatable with surgery and that chemo and radiation are not needed. That they are not considered life threatening, they do not metastasize...But this IS round 2.....and that in it's self is a tad bit unsettling. It is what it is and it has to come off!
I know that I have 110% support from my family and friends. But it is still a bit scary.
I know or have been told I do not look sick - Nor I do not feel sick, But I can now feel this lump where 2 months ago I could not. It is growing.
I know in my heart that I am not walking this journey alone, that God is walking with me every step of the way. I feel it, I know it, I do not doubt it for one moment! I am thankful beyond words, I would not want to walk this road alone.
Knowing these things my head does not mean that it is translating well to my heart and emotional being some days. There are days when I do not want to lift my head of the pillow... I want to sit and wallow but I will NOT allow myself to let this get me that down. There have been tears, but for the most part, I pick myself up, brush myself off and go on with the days... living, loving, learning and exploring the world around me. Enjoying them as they come -sun or rain! Laughing with the girls, getting them settled at school, working, visiting with dear friends, walking the sea wall come what may it is one day at a time.
And you know what they are all good days (even the ones with tears!) When you are able to wake up and enjoy the day, you enjoy the day!
Let's just say that September 1st was not one of my best of days! Sure I went about my day, did what I needed to do, but I was not all there, my mind was pre-occupied, and I had to give myself a few pep talks to keep the pity party and tears at bay. Still a few fell. The reality of it is on the first of September I started counting days, 24 days and counting down. Just like we did as children awaiting the coming of Christmas, except it is not with excitement and impatiens because we can not wait for the grandness of the day. It is with apprehension, trepidation, and a little fear of the unknown. Sure this is the second time around and I know better what to expect when I arrive at the hospital, but my tummy still gets a little knot and feels a little off when I think about the whole process and the recovery. So I try not to think too much!
I do not doubt for a moment the decision, BUT in 17 days I will be having some pretty radical surgery. I will be put under for several hours and when I wake up my body will be forever different. There are lots of things to be apprehensive about... this is breast cancer, being under, waking up, body changes, sleeping in the hospital (or more like not being able to) coming home, caring for my self and my family, reaction of self and others after surgery, recovery time? If I dwell there my mind boggles and I do not see clearly.
I know that at this moment in time, I do not totally understand all the emotional ramifications of having a breast removed, I do not think one can know such things until you actually go through the process. I have read some information, talked to people who have been there, connected with a great support group on line and tried to prep myself the best I can, but until it actually happens, and the breast is gone I do not think it will sink in. I am trying to be as ready as possible.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, I have total confidence in my medical team and the decision that has been made.
I Know what they tell me and what is written in the books about Phelloydes tumors and how they are highly treatable with surgery and that chemo and radiation are not needed. That they are not considered life threatening, they do not metastasize...But this IS round 2.....and that in it's self is a tad bit unsettling. It is what it is and it has to come off!
I know that I have 110% support from my family and friends. But it is still a bit scary.
I know or have been told I do not look sick - Nor I do not feel sick, But I can now feel this lump where 2 months ago I could not. It is growing.
I know in my heart that I am not walking this journey alone, that God is walking with me every step of the way. I feel it, I know it, I do not doubt it for one moment! I am thankful beyond words, I would not want to walk this road alone.
Knowing these things my head does not mean that it is translating well to my heart and emotional being some days. There are days when I do not want to lift my head of the pillow... I want to sit and wallow but I will NOT allow myself to let this get me that down. There have been tears, but for the most part, I pick myself up, brush myself off and go on with the days... living, loving, learning and exploring the world around me. Enjoying them as they come -sun or rain! Laughing with the girls, getting them settled at school, working, visiting with dear friends, walking the sea wall come what may it is one day at a time.
And you know what they are all good days (even the ones with tears!) When you are able to wake up and enjoy the day, you enjoy the day!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Time to get back on the wagon...the blogging wagon that is!
Back on the wagon, and I am going to try to post more regularly.
We will see what happens, but that is my intention.
It has been so very long since I have taken the time to blog, not that I have not thougth about it. There are even 2 "Drafts" sitting in my posting box, thougths that never got completed and there fore did not get posted. (Maybe one day I will return to them...) To those of you who know me and have been on the receiving end of "snail mail" back in the day of popularity this is not a surprise (Lisa!). Multiple letters in a variety of forms, started, finished from months (years) before arriving in a large package all at once and having to try to figure out how the peices fit together... anyways I think you get the picture. I love to write, I am not so good at getting the finished project out there. Even in this age of electronic ease. It is time, so here we go.
Life is full of changes, twists and turns and forks in the road, moments when you know that the decision I make right now is going to affect my future. How we react to the twists and turns along the way most certainly affect us down the road. We ALWAYS have a choice, we can grumble and complain about the tough stuff, or we can look at it and DECIDE to make the most of it. The road has been twisting and turning that is for sure. But I will learn and make the most of each situation and learn and grow. It is all part of the journey. I am inspired to write to let you know the twists and turns as they come, instead of months later looking in the rear view mirror.
We have just returned from 10 days of holidays. Of those 10 days we spent 4 great days Creation Fest Northwest. Where I heard this great analogy about life and looking forward and living in the present.
Picture yourself sitting in the driver's seat of an amazing car... You look forward through the front windshield, and you check your makeup in the little rear view mirror. The rear view mirror is considerably smaller than the windshield. The mirror is a good place check, to look back & gain perspective & to see where you have been. However if you try to drive the car by only looking back you will surely crash. (It is a natural reaction to pull to one side)
In life, just like when driving a car, we need to focus on what is in front of us, to spend our time in the present, looking forward - It is important that we recognize & acknowledge where we have come from, it certainly makes us who we are today, however we can not LIVE in the past, hoping and wishing that things would be that way again. Life changes, time passes, we have to look ahead and try to figure out how to learn and grow from our past and make us better people for our today.
I have been giving allot of thought to things like this over these past few months.....
A friend attempts suicide, I spend hours and hours just listening, walking, just being there. Praying. The whole time I am thinking, I am not qualified, I do not know how to help, I am in over my head. I learn I can help simply by being available, and by listening.
Teryn & Royd go to a concert one Friday night, and the floor in front of the stage collapses. An estimated 40 kids fall through the floor into the basement. Teryn and 2 friends fall through. A few weeks of school are missed due to a minor concussion, and post traumatic stress issues. Minor when you think of what could have been ! It could have been A WHOLE LOT WORSE. There were 100's of kids there, nothing was in the basement below them, it was a "clean" fall, it was only a small area of floor... kids remained fairly calm!
I go for my routine mammogram in May and it shows another tumor in my right breast. Here we go again! 13 Months after the first surgery where the surgeon thougth she got it all, the margins were clear here we are again - facing surgery, facing cancer, facing the removal of my right breast, facing recovery, facing we do not know what.
What I do know for certain is that I could choose to mope and feel sorry for my self, ooh poor me I have breast cancer, but WHY there is nothing I can do about it - it is what it is - I can not change this... HOWEVER I can control my reaction...I can choose to be a voice, to remind family and friends to get a regular mammogram, to do self exams at home, I can choose to learn and grow & help others. Why me, I do not have the answer to that however I am not questioning it at all. It is what it is - there are some things we do not know and there are some things we know..
It is a rare type (Phelloydes Tumors account for less than 1% of all breast cancers world wide.
It is not life threatening
It grows fast
It does not spread often
It has a high rate of re-occurrence
It does not respond to Chemo-therapy or radiation
Success rate of surgery is VERY HIGH
The other thing I know with out a shadow of a doubt is that God knows what is going on and he will give me what I need to deal with the whole thing. It is all o.k. it is being taken care of.
In light of the 2nd Cancer diagnosis we have closed Remember Me after almost 11 years, we are done. A very tough decision, however I know hat it was the right decision FOR SURE.
All of these were fairly major twists and turns in a fairly short period of time, we chose to face them head on, learn and grow. The responsibility now is to use the lessons learned to aid others. To keep my focus on the road ahead not the road already travelled. No matter what the twists are or how many of them there are, in each and everyone of them I have a choice! I can either grumble and be unhappy about it or I can CHOOSE to find the good, to enjoy the moment for what it is, to simply live in the present and not look back.
I found this amazing Youtube video called "The Last Lecture" well worth the hour plus to watch. I was challenged, I was encouraged and I was totally inspired by Randy Pausch and his "Achieving your Childhood Dreams" lecture. Watch it and let me know your first reaction....
We will see what happens, but that is my intention.
It has been so very long since I have taken the time to blog, not that I have not thougth about it. There are even 2 "Drafts" sitting in my posting box, thougths that never got completed and there fore did not get posted. (Maybe one day I will return to them...) To those of you who know me and have been on the receiving end of "snail mail" back in the day of popularity this is not a surprise (Lisa!). Multiple letters in a variety of forms, started, finished from months (years) before arriving in a large package all at once and having to try to figure out how the peices fit together... anyways I think you get the picture. I love to write, I am not so good at getting the finished project out there. Even in this age of electronic ease. It is time, so here we go.
Life is full of changes, twists and turns and forks in the road, moments when you know that the decision I make right now is going to affect my future. How we react to the twists and turns along the way most certainly affect us down the road. We ALWAYS have a choice, we can grumble and complain about the tough stuff, or we can look at it and DECIDE to make the most of it. The road has been twisting and turning that is for sure. But I will learn and make the most of each situation and learn and grow. It is all part of the journey. I am inspired to write to let you know the twists and turns as they come, instead of months later looking in the rear view mirror.
We have just returned from 10 days of holidays. Of those 10 days we spent 4 great days Creation Fest Northwest. Where I heard this great analogy about life and looking forward and living in the present.
Picture yourself sitting in the driver's seat of an amazing car... You look forward through the front windshield, and you check your makeup in the little rear view mirror. The rear view mirror is considerably smaller than the windshield. The mirror is a good place check, to look back & gain perspective & to see where you have been. However if you try to drive the car by only looking back you will surely crash. (It is a natural reaction to pull to one side)
In life, just like when driving a car, we need to focus on what is in front of us, to spend our time in the present, looking forward - It is important that we recognize & acknowledge where we have come from, it certainly makes us who we are today, however we can not LIVE in the past, hoping and wishing that things would be that way again. Life changes, time passes, we have to look ahead and try to figure out how to learn and grow from our past and make us better people for our today.
I have been giving allot of thought to things like this over these past few months.....
A friend attempts suicide, I spend hours and hours just listening, walking, just being there. Praying. The whole time I am thinking, I am not qualified, I do not know how to help, I am in over my head. I learn I can help simply by being available, and by listening.
Teryn & Royd go to a concert one Friday night, and the floor in front of the stage collapses. An estimated 40 kids fall through the floor into the basement. Teryn and 2 friends fall through. A few weeks of school are missed due to a minor concussion, and post traumatic stress issues. Minor when you think of what could have been ! It could have been A WHOLE LOT WORSE. There were 100's of kids there, nothing was in the basement below them, it was a "clean" fall, it was only a small area of floor... kids remained fairly calm!
I go for my routine mammogram in May and it shows another tumor in my right breast. Here we go again! 13 Months after the first surgery where the surgeon thougth she got it all, the margins were clear here we are again - facing surgery, facing cancer, facing the removal of my right breast, facing recovery, facing we do not know what.
What I do know for certain is that I could choose to mope and feel sorry for my self, ooh poor me I have breast cancer, but WHY there is nothing I can do about it - it is what it is - I can not change this... HOWEVER I can control my reaction...I can choose to be a voice, to remind family and friends to get a regular mammogram, to do self exams at home, I can choose to learn and grow & help others. Why me, I do not have the answer to that however I am not questioning it at all. It is what it is - there are some things we do not know and there are some things we know..
It is a rare type (Phelloydes Tumors account for less than 1% of all breast cancers world wide.
It is not life threatening
It grows fast
It does not spread often
It has a high rate of re-occurrence
It does not respond to Chemo-therapy or radiation
Success rate of surgery is VERY HIGH
The other thing I know with out a shadow of a doubt is that God knows what is going on and he will give me what I need to deal with the whole thing. It is all o.k. it is being taken care of.
In light of the 2nd Cancer diagnosis we have closed Remember Me after almost 11 years, we are done. A very tough decision, however I know hat it was the right decision FOR SURE.
All of these were fairly major twists and turns in a fairly short period of time, we chose to face them head on, learn and grow. The responsibility now is to use the lessons learned to aid others. To keep my focus on the road ahead not the road already travelled. No matter what the twists are or how many of them there are, in each and everyone of them I have a choice! I can either grumble and be unhappy about it or I can CHOOSE to find the good, to enjoy the moment for what it is, to simply live in the present and not look back.
I found this amazing Youtube video called "The Last Lecture" well worth the hour plus to watch. I was challenged, I was encouraged and I was totally inspired by Randy Pausch and his "Achieving your Childhood Dreams" lecture. Watch it and let me know your first reaction....
Monday, February 4, 2008
When did it happen.....
I just had one of those moments - you know the ones when you stop dead in your tracks and wonder when or how did that happen.
The reality of parental roll reversal hit me in the face. . Just like "THEY" say it will! (who ever "THEY" are...) That day our parents begin look to for help and advise the same way we looked to them when we were children or the day our children to do the same! That fateful day when we look in the mirror and see our mothers looking back at us and know that the day is here! Or in my case today when we see a glimpse into our own future of our children caring for us.... YIKES!
I know that for me it has been a graduall process, I have always been told that I look like my mom, so when I look in the mirror and see my mom looking back it is no surprise - I have been expecting her to show up! Just as she expected her mother to show up. . . . I know that for a number of years, I have been "helping" - asking questions that indicate the slow process of the reversal.
For instance, Mom right this moment is basking in the sun in the Carribean, on some luxury ocean liner with 9 of her girlfriends (I am sure the ship will never be the same! Hopefully neither will my Mom.) Before she left, I asked questions like, do you have all our phone numbers, email addresses with you in case of emergency, is your will up to date, where is the banking information, we talked about the "what if's... what if you are delayed, what if you get lost in the Bermuda Triangle.. etc. I made sure she left a copy of her itnerary, that she had sun screen (and told her to wear it!!!) joked about not talking to strangers, and wearing clean underware, and not to take lots of cash with her in her handbag, but to "wear" the extra... just like grandma did (tucked inside her bra!), and always make sure you have your ID with you!~ Like she has never travelled before. When did that happen??? When did I begin to ask these sorts of questions of my mother?
However here is the KICKER - the moment that stopped me dead in my tracks.... tonight Shanna is in the kitchen making cookies, from start to finish from scratch, by herself (my baby is growing up!) She knows that I would rather eat the cookie dough than the baked cookies... and she asks ME if I want to lick the beater.... SMACK! IT hit me, the roll has begun to reverese!
Gone are the days when she would stand tippy toed on the stool beside me as I would mix the cookies and beg to lick the beater! When did that happen?
You blink and they are 12! Learning, brilliant, and determined to do it on her own!
I had hoped that I would have a few years of independent living - before they would begin the process of caring for me, it would seem that in reality it is a gradual process that begins when you are least expecting it. It would apear that it happened overnight! At least I know that they will be there, and I will at the very least be offered the beaters!
The reality of parental roll reversal hit me in the face. . Just like "THEY" say it will! (who ever "THEY" are...) That day our parents begin look to for help and advise the same way we looked to them when we were children or the day our children to do the same! That fateful day when we look in the mirror and see our mothers looking back at us and know that the day is here! Or in my case today when we see a glimpse into our own future of our children caring for us.... YIKES!
I know that for me it has been a graduall process, I have always been told that I look like my mom, so when I look in the mirror and see my mom looking back it is no surprise - I have been expecting her to show up! Just as she expected her mother to show up. . . . I know that for a number of years, I have been "helping" - asking questions that indicate the slow process of the reversal.
For instance, Mom right this moment is basking in the sun in the Carribean, on some luxury ocean liner with 9 of her girlfriends (I am sure the ship will never be the same! Hopefully neither will my Mom.) Before she left, I asked questions like, do you have all our phone numbers, email addresses with you in case of emergency, is your will up to date, where is the banking information, we talked about the "what if's... what if you are delayed, what if you get lost in the Bermuda Triangle.. etc. I made sure she left a copy of her itnerary, that she had sun screen (and told her to wear it!!!) joked about not talking to strangers, and wearing clean underware, and not to take lots of cash with her in her handbag, but to "wear" the extra... just like grandma did (tucked inside her bra!), and always make sure you have your ID with you!~ Like she has never travelled before. When did that happen??? When did I begin to ask these sorts of questions of my mother?
However here is the KICKER - the moment that stopped me dead in my tracks.... tonight Shanna is in the kitchen making cookies, from start to finish from scratch, by herself (my baby is growing up!) She knows that I would rather eat the cookie dough than the baked cookies... and she asks ME if I want to lick the beater.... SMACK! IT hit me, the roll has begun to reverese!
Gone are the days when she would stand tippy toed on the stool beside me as I would mix the cookies and beg to lick the beater! When did that happen?
You blink and they are 12! Learning, brilliant, and determined to do it on her own!
I had hoped that I would have a few years of independent living - before they would begin the process of caring for me, it would seem that in reality it is a gradual process that begins when you are least expecting it. It would apear that it happened overnight! At least I know that they will be there, and I will at the very least be offered the beaters!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Another time another place!
Every once in a while something will happen and I am instantly transported to another time and another place, it is as if I am living in a moment from years ago. I can never plan for such occurrences, and I can never know when it will happen, it just happens, there is something that triggers deep down inside, it is almost as if something snaps - I do not know if I can describe it any better than that. It certainly does not happen very often, but when it does it is just like I am standing in the moment of yesterday or yesteryear once again, it is quite odd but very interesting at the same time.
Tonight it happened as I stuck my hand in a bag of 1/2 stale mini marshmallows - you know the kind, a little bit hard because the bag has been left open but no so hard they hurt your teeth, and they are a little chewier than they are when they are fresh. Oddly, this is actually how I prefer my marshmallows. Strange I know, but i think it is time and space association, for tonight when I popped one of those marshmallows in my mouth I was instantly transported to another time and another place!
I was standing in my Grandma's kitchen in the little house on John Street. Grandma has been gone just over 8 years now, and it has been at least 20 since she lived in the house on John street - however tonight things sort of stood still and I was there. I closed my eyes and it smelled like her house, it sounded like her house - momentarily I WAS at her house standing in front of the sliding door cupboard in in the far corner of her kitchen.
Oh how I loved Grandma's kitchen - it was a huge room that easily covered 1/4 of the total floor space of her little house. It was grand central station, everything that happened at Grandma's house happened in the kitchen ( with the exception of watching Gene Keniski wrestling on Saturdays with Grandpa- that happened in the living room!) I mean everything all the visiting happened around the big kitchen table, card games, skinned knees were patched, boyfriends discussed, tears dried, photos were taken, hair was styled, meals were eaten, sleep overs with my cousins always happened in the kitchen. I learned how to cook in Grandma's kitchen. Everyone was always welcome in Grandma's kitchen.
And tonight for just a moment in time I was there standing in front of the cupboard sliding it open, feeling it get stuck at the same spot it always got stuck, reaching over the nut chopper and the vanilla which were always in the same spot, and pulling out the bag of marshmallows - at Grandma's house the bag always seemed to be only 1/4 full and they were ALWAYS 1/2 stale, a little hard but not too hard. They were always perfectly stale. I am not quite sure how that always seemed to be the case but no matter how often we were there it was like that. 1/2 stale and mostly gone - it makes me wonder if when Gram bought a bag she dumped out a bunch and left the bag open on purpose because she knew I loved them that way. You know it would not surprise me in the least if that is exactly what she did - It would have been a Grandma sort of thing to do.
The mind truly is a powerful tool - for IN a split second and FOR a split second in time tonight I actually felt like I was right there in the middle of the kitchen. I do not know if it was the smell, or the feel of the marshmallows tonight that triggered the memories or if it will happen the next time I stick my hand in a bag of marshmallows - who knows and for the most part who cares - for tonight for a brief moment in time my mind allowed me the rare treasure of living in a moment from another time and another place. A blessing in deed!
Tonight it happened as I stuck my hand in a bag of 1/2 stale mini marshmallows - you know the kind, a little bit hard because the bag has been left open but no so hard they hurt your teeth, and they are a little chewier than they are when they are fresh. Oddly, this is actually how I prefer my marshmallows. Strange I know, but i think it is time and space association, for tonight when I popped one of those marshmallows in my mouth I was instantly transported to another time and another place!
I was standing in my Grandma's kitchen in the little house on John Street. Grandma has been gone just over 8 years now, and it has been at least 20 since she lived in the house on John street - however tonight things sort of stood still and I was there. I closed my eyes and it smelled like her house, it sounded like her house - momentarily I WAS at her house standing in front of the sliding door cupboard in in the far corner of her kitchen.
Oh how I loved Grandma's kitchen - it was a huge room that easily covered 1/4 of the total floor space of her little house. It was grand central station, everything that happened at Grandma's house happened in the kitchen ( with the exception of watching Gene Keniski wrestling on Saturdays with Grandpa- that happened in the living room!) I mean everything all the visiting happened around the big kitchen table, card games, skinned knees were patched, boyfriends discussed, tears dried, photos were taken, hair was styled, meals were eaten, sleep overs with my cousins always happened in the kitchen. I learned how to cook in Grandma's kitchen. Everyone was always welcome in Grandma's kitchen.
And tonight for just a moment in time I was there standing in front of the cupboard sliding it open, feeling it get stuck at the same spot it always got stuck, reaching over the nut chopper and the vanilla which were always in the same spot, and pulling out the bag of marshmallows - at Grandma's house the bag always seemed to be only 1/4 full and they were ALWAYS 1/2 stale, a little hard but not too hard. They were always perfectly stale. I am not quite sure how that always seemed to be the case but no matter how often we were there it was like that. 1/2 stale and mostly gone - it makes me wonder if when Gram bought a bag she dumped out a bunch and left the bag open on purpose because she knew I loved them that way. You know it would not surprise me in the least if that is exactly what she did - It would have been a Grandma sort of thing to do.
The mind truly is a powerful tool - for IN a split second and FOR a split second in time tonight I actually felt like I was right there in the middle of the kitchen. I do not know if it was the smell, or the feel of the marshmallows tonight that triggered the memories or if it will happen the next time I stick my hand in a bag of marshmallows - who knows and for the most part who cares - for tonight for a brief moment in time my mind allowed me the rare treasure of living in a moment from another time and another place. A blessing in deed!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Can't sleep. . .
I truly hate nights like tonight when I am tired and go to bed early but can not fall asleep. You would think that I am 10 years old and it is the night before Christmas. It is the night before the first day of school - so I have to ask myself am I awake because I am worried for my kids? I don't think so. They are all looking froward to the return. Ashlynn and Shanna only have about an hour. This being grade 8 for Teryn she has to endure a 4 hour day - she gets to visit each of her classes in the new school - a test of sorts, the right of passage endued by every grade 8 the goal is to make it to each class with out getting lost and get there on time. Good luck Teryn!
Sleep eludes me, I have even tried the celery trick that used to work when I was pregnant - no lucky here tonight. Here is my question to you - what keeps you awake at night and what keeps you awake when you are supposed to be asleep?
Me I get up and turn on the PC - eventually it makes me drift off... I am feeling the effects now, so I will sign off and see if I can actually sleep. The other thing I try is sleeping somewhere else in the house... you know the old "change of Scenery" addage, it works sometimes for me. Not to night I have pulled out all teh tricks I kow.. so far nothing has worked but as I type I fel my eyeleids getting heavy and I am using the backspace key far to often for someone who actually knows how to type.... I am also beginning to type lyrics that are running through my head - Time to try again to fall asleep... Wish me luck.
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Sleep eludes me, I have even tried the celery trick that used to work when I was pregnant - no lucky here tonight. Here is my question to you - what keeps you awake at night and what keeps you awake when you are supposed to be asleep?
Me I get up and turn on the PC - eventually it makes me drift off... I am feeling the effects now, so I will sign off and see if I can actually sleep. The other thing I try is sleeping somewhere else in the house... you know the old "change of Scenery" addage, it works sometimes for me. Not to night I have pulled out all teh tricks I kow.. so far nothing has worked but as I type I fel my eyeleids getting heavy and I am using the backspace key far to often for someone who actually knows how to type.... I am also beginning to type lyrics that are running through my head - Time to try again to fall asleep... Wish me luck.
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Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Wedding Crasher
This truly was a weekend to remember for several reasons.
1) I do not recall ever taking a road trip just me and my mom
2) It is not every day you crash a wedding
3) It certainly is not everyday that you meet relatives that just a year ago did not know existed.
Friday morning bright and early Mom and I headed out to Williams Lake - our mission - to meet the surviving siblings that mom has just discovered! What a better way to do that than to crash a family wedding! (Yes! we did well sort of..)
Let me back up just a little, last spring my mom was given her father's name for the first time. (She was 67 at the time!) I took the name plugged it into Google and within 15 minutes I had an obituary for a man I believed to be her 1/2 brother. There it stated that Dougie was one of 10 (add mom that would be 11). From there I posted questions at Ancestry.com as well as genealogy.com in hopes of finding some answers & to see if my assumptions were correct. I asked questions to anyone I knew who had any connections to Williams Lake and surrounding areas. Pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place.
A number of months later I received an email from Dougie's son, Mark, asking me how I fit into this picture - wanting to make sure I had received my information from Grandma. That email confirmed what I had pretty much known from the moment I first saw the obituary. My mom who had been raised as a single child now had a HUGE extended family. She is one of 11 - children by the same father - 6 of whom are still living, and Mark is my first cousin on my mom's side! (My FIRST first cousin!) Think about that for a minute. All my growing up years it had always been just my sister and me on my mom's side of the family - no cousins - nothing. Now as Mark says - there are way too many to count, he does not even know and he grew up with them. It has been quite a thing to wrap our heads around. Time lost can never be reclaimed, however we can move forward and make the best of it! That is what we were doing. . . .
Our adventure to Williams Lake was all about meeting as many of the extended family as we could. Seeing the area Grandpa lived, basically filling in some of the blanks for mom. What a better way to do that than crash the party - so that is what we did. Now I have to say that it was not a total crash in that Mark invited us, and the bride was aware that we were coming. The wedding was a very casual affair (smart cousins I have!) in the middle of the annual ball tournament that they organize. It was so fun! We were able to meet all but one of the surviving siblings, tons of cousins, husbands, children - there are so many names and faces our heads are swimming.
For me the highlight was to see mom interacting with her brother and 2 sisters. The happiness on her face and the acceptance that was there for her. They welcomed us with open arms - and are all wondering when we will be back. A huge blessing for my mom! Questions are beginning to be answered, healing - it is a good thing.
The totally amazing thing is how they clicked from the very beginning. Auntie Janet - the sister closest in age to mom - and mom are like clones - similar in mannerisms the sound of their laughs, they think alike. I found that connection amazing. When we first got into town we were to go to a "window" store - that is pretty much the information Mom had... not the full company name (that would have been too easy!) So we come to a "window" store that Mom thinks is right, but not sure, we walk in and I see this lady sitting in the office reading - I knew - this was my aunt! She did not say anything, had not looked at us, but just the way she was sitting there - when she moved it was like looking at my mom! Here are 2 grown women, that share the same blood line but have never met, only talked briefly on the phone - but are so much the same. Genetics are fascinating for sure. It was exciting to make the connection - to SEE the connection and to feel the connection and be totally accepted in the process! WOW!
1) I do not recall ever taking a road trip just me and my mom
2) It is not every day you crash a wedding
3) It certainly is not everyday that you meet relatives that just a year ago did not know existed.
Friday morning bright and early Mom and I headed out to Williams Lake - our mission - to meet the surviving siblings that mom has just discovered! What a better way to do that than to crash a family wedding! (Yes! we did well sort of..)
Let me back up just a little, last spring my mom was given her father's name for the first time. (She was 67 at the time!) I took the name plugged it into Google and within 15 minutes I had an obituary for a man I believed to be her 1/2 brother. There it stated that Dougie was one of 10 (add mom that would be 11). From there I posted questions at Ancestry.com as well as genealogy.com in hopes of finding some answers & to see if my assumptions were correct. I asked questions to anyone I knew who had any connections to Williams Lake and surrounding areas. Pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place.
A number of months later I received an email from Dougie's son, Mark, asking me how I fit into this picture - wanting to make sure I had received my information from Grandma. That email confirmed what I had pretty much known from the moment I first saw the obituary. My mom who had been raised as a single child now had a HUGE extended family. She is one of 11 - children by the same father - 6 of whom are still living, and Mark is my first cousin on my mom's side! (My FIRST first cousin!) Think about that for a minute. All my growing up years it had always been just my sister and me on my mom's side of the family - no cousins - nothing. Now as Mark says - there are way too many to count, he does not even know and he grew up with them. It has been quite a thing to wrap our heads around. Time lost can never be reclaimed, however we can move forward and make the best of it! That is what we were doing. . . .
Our adventure to Williams Lake was all about meeting as many of the extended family as we could. Seeing the area Grandpa lived, basically filling in some of the blanks for mom. What a better way to do that than crash the party - so that is what we did. Now I have to say that it was not a total crash in that Mark invited us, and the bride was aware that we were coming. The wedding was a very casual affair (smart cousins I have!) in the middle of the annual ball tournament that they organize. It was so fun! We were able to meet all but one of the surviving siblings, tons of cousins, husbands, children - there are so many names and faces our heads are swimming.
For me the highlight was to see mom interacting with her brother and 2 sisters. The happiness on her face and the acceptance that was there for her. They welcomed us with open arms - and are all wondering when we will be back. A huge blessing for my mom! Questions are beginning to be answered, healing - it is a good thing.
The totally amazing thing is how they clicked from the very beginning. Auntie Janet - the sister closest in age to mom - and mom are like clones - similar in mannerisms the sound of their laughs, they think alike. I found that connection amazing. When we first got into town we were to go to a "window" store - that is pretty much the information Mom had... not the full company name (that would have been too easy!) So we come to a "window" store that Mom thinks is right, but not sure, we walk in and I see this lady sitting in the office reading - I knew - this was my aunt! She did not say anything, had not looked at us, but just the way she was sitting there - when she moved it was like looking at my mom! Here are 2 grown women, that share the same blood line but have never met, only talked briefly on the phone - but are so much the same. Genetics are fascinating for sure. It was exciting to make the connection - to SEE the connection and to feel the connection and be totally accepted in the process! WOW!
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