One step forward Two steps back....

Agh, nothing about this tumor, disease, monster is easy... Yes I know it could be far worse and I do keep that in mind everyday...BUT... it seems that it has not been straight forward from the beginning. It seems like I take one step forward on the road to recovery then there is a hick-up and I have to take 2 steps back. I have been good, following Doctor's orders, resting, not lifting things with my right arm, trying to keep it as still as possible. Those are the easy things, things I am able to control... it is the things that I have utterly no control over that seem to set me back....

Even the initial diagnosis of a Phyllodes tumor - being one of the rarer forms of breast cancer - was not simple because on the mammogram & ultra sound these tumors look like simple fibroid or calcium deposits. Thankfully they were odd enough looking, and the radiologist was very good at her job and biopsies were ordered (this is not always the case, often they are monitored for a year first) and they were correctly diagnosed. 2 initial surgeries, where one should have sufficed..... Clear bill of health on follow up visits and pathology reports.... 18 months later the Phyllodes Phantom strikes again.... more surgery, a more serious surgery at that, longer recovery time... and all sorts of ripple affects in my life, on all levels, family, spiritual, work, friends..... lots of ripples.

Fast forward to today.... well lets start with yesterday. I had a follow-up appointment with the plastic surgeon - where I was told that there is a small area of skin that is not healing, that is basically dying because it is too thin and that it would have to be removed - ASAP - as it could cause some major complications down the road. GREAT!!!! Just what we want to hear!
When He said ASAP he was not kidding.... in less than 24 hours after the appointment I have a surgery time so I am off in less than 30 minutes to Eagle Ridge Hospital ONCE AGAIN - so that this smaller than dime size area can be removed. I should be home for dinner although I am sure I will not feel like eating! I will still be groggy from the anesthetic I am sure. I really do not like that feeling of total surrender that comes when the knock out Doctor administers the sleeping potion. Now do not get me wrong I would NOT want to be awake during the procedure, but that total surrender - I would like to avoid it! It is the oddest sensation, and waking up from that is even yuckier! Sometimes we just do not have a choice. (Hmm, think I have control issues???? Not really, well I do not think so, well not ones that are huge. Anyways. )

So once again the things I think are going to happen, simply are not! I thought that today I would have my drain out. That I would have a little more freedom and even maybe start driving again...Not so. After the setback on Tuesday night, when I was woken up in the wee hours of the morning with severe pain at the drain site, I discovered that the tube was blocked. I was not sure what to do, but I could see what the problem was, knew that it just needed to be unblocked.. but can I do it or should I go the hospital... I so did not want to wake up Royd to drive or the girls to tell where we were going! So I took the tube and forced the blockage out (yes it was as nasty as that sounds) got the drain working again, rinsed the collection area with saline to get rid of all the nasty stuff, hoping and praying that I did not hinder the progress because the tube was now full of air bubbles... I was not sure which way those bubbles were going to travel. I was pretty sure that the drain would not come out on Wed as originally planed (I was right! Bummer!!!) The home visit nurse told me that I did the right thing! Whew! Looking back even on that little hick-up I see that God's hand is in all of this. Had the drain come out on Wed, they would have had to put another in today at the time of surgery, which could not have gone in the same area hence another area that would be used, causing pain, discomfort and be at risk for infection and other complications. I do believe that God sees ahead of us and sees the big picture - hard to keep that in perspective at times.

So although I try to plan my life, as in there is a memorial service that I really want to attend on Saturday, A birthday dinner celebration Saturday night, Thanksgiving dinner Sunday with Royd's family, Dinner with my family Monday.. I have to keep in mind that my plans may not be the best plans. That there is someone else out there that is making far better plans than I ever could. And I am all right with that - I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Jer 29:11 has long been a life verse for me... "For I know the Plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Why do I forget this so often?

I am left handed BUT...

With my right arm is out of commission for the most part, I have noticed that I live pretty much in right hand dominance... except for when I grab a pen to write or fork to eat - my primal instinct kicks in there and it is LEFT hand all the way. Whew! Fore everything else I have to engage the brain - make a concious effort - to think about what I am doing.

Here are a few things I did NOT think about.... OUCH!!!!!!11

Computer mouse - even with the touch pad on the laptop - co-ordinating ones left hand to do the job your brain is telling your right hand to do.... with pain meds in your system.. is a long process of hit and miss.

Camera - (self timer is good - holding it to take more than 1 or 2 shots not good)

Pulling a jug of milk out of the fridge causes great pain when you do not think about which hand you use - my natural instinct is to reach with the right!

Taking things out of the microwave.... see above

Fastening my jeans near to impossible ( I do have the buttons on a shirt mastered! Just wear T-shirts!)

Opening a door

I thought I'd scrapbook a little, but using the paper trimmer & the pulling action of the slider- not so smart. Thankfully good old fashioned scissors work best in my left hand. (I did manage a little project - more on that later)

Trying to pull up bed covers, or adjust a pillow...

Washing my hair one handed... Thankfully my hair is SHORT.

Sadly most of these things happen before I think and then the pain hits me like a 2 x 4. One would think that after one such incident I would learn.. not so much! Oh well - there is hope.

It is crazy the number of things we do in a day that we just DO, we do not think about HOW we do them, we just do them. 100's of things everyday. Then when something happens that hinders the natural process - it can be frustrating, challenging and a good brain work out. However in light of all the "non-thinking, slightly painful moments" I have been having recovery is progressing well. Today the itching is minimal (YIPEE!!!!). The home care nurse just left and said that the drain area looks great! (we are just waiting for fluid to be less than 30 cc/ 24 hour period before that sucker is GONE!) When I think before acting, I am able to keep to the pain meds only at night - rolling over = shooting, totaly uncomfortable pain, that is easily avoided with a T3 and a regular strength Tylenol kicker.

Doctors & nurses are pleased with the progress and tell me to keep doing what I am doing because what ever it is is working in my favour.

Crossing my fingers that the drain comes out Wed! Then I can take small adventures out of the house.

Thankfully that typing is not so bad when the injured wing is tucked in close to my side. Though more than 10 minutes at a time is not so smart.

Sweet 16...

Happy Birthday Ashlynn!



My sweet daughter turned 16 today - how is it that time flies so fast. It is true what "They" say, "Life passes in the blink of an eye" gone are the days of soothers,dress up, high chairs and car seats. Here are the days of, solo trips to the mall, dressing, over seas band trips up and car keys.... YIKES!



October 3rd, 1992 - I remember it with unmarred clearness. Oddly because I could not tell you the events of yesterday like I recall that day. I awoke around 5am feeling a little "odd" something was just off... The baby was already a few days late so you would think I would have a clue - or at least clue in. Nope I got up went to the bathroom and went back to bed. At 7 I woke up again still feeling "odd" and mentioned it to Royd who thankfully "had a clue". To this day I am thankful for his calm! This was not going to be a regular Saturday for us, it would be the Saturday that changed our lives forever for the better.


Around 8:00 I called the doctor (I did not want to wake him or be a bother, it was a Saturday!) who said I should probably get to the hospital, but not to worry there would be lots of time. HA! We got ready at a leisurely pace, by 9:00 we were in the car and on our way. In the mean time, there were no doubts that labour had started. It was not unbearable, but it was certainly more than just an odd feeling...


First stop - my sister's to pick her up. (Thankfully she lived on route to the hospital) That turned into the longest 5 minute car ride of my life! The 30 seconds I had to wait in the car on my own as Royd went to the door seemed like an hour. My time perspective was a little off I think. Thankfully it was a Saturday, and traffic was light. When we pulled out into traffic, heavy contractions set in - my poor dear husband was trying to drive, and keep me calm, while trying to remain calm himself... I specifically recall one corner, turning from Lougheed Highway to North Road - and a superdoopercrazy contraction hit, my back was arched, my feet were pushed into the floorboards and the car starts to turn the corner.. I seriously thought I was going to be on the sidewalk - Just the over active imagination of a woman in labour. Then as quick as it arrived it was gone. Once Dawna was in the car we were at the hospital less than 5 minutes later - then I had to get out of the car... between contractions, breathing, trying to focus. We eventually made it into registration, then the labour room.... I was 4 cm dilated when I arrived. Then my water broke... and as they say all hell broke loose, I was too far along for any sort of pain meds to be given, which would have been our choice anyways. I was wheeled into delivery and Ashlynn Danae entered this world at 12:45 - healthy, and beautiful.


I remember the total euphoric awe when I held my precious baby girl in my arms for the first time. The sense of responsibility that God had entrusted us with.

Now 16 years later - I am still in Awe with all that God has done in our family from that day forth. Ashlynn is a beautiful teenager with a sense of style and individuality that is inspiring. Happy Birthday - my sweet girl.

I love you.
Mommy

October is Breast Cancer awareness month....

Oh I am very aware of Breast Cancer this month as I sit on my couch.

I am aware that when you google Breast cancer there are 50,800,000 hits. That is WAY too much information.
I am aware of how your heart stops for a minute when you hear "its Breast Cancer" and how it sinks deeper when you hear "it's come back"
I am aware that I am now one of the statistics (1 in 9 Canadian women).
I am aware that you can actually feel the monster growing in your body

I am aware of the sleepless nights as you wrestle with treatment options.
There are so many options.....
I am aware of the fear as you play the "what if game"
What if it comes back AGAIN, what if surgery is not successful, what if I do not wake up......
I am aware of Doctors and medical teams that have dedicated their lives to eradicating this ugly disease.
I am aware of support groups, that are there to see you through it.
I am aware of friends, grandparents, mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins who have all been touched in some way....

I am aware of the pain and discomfort associated with surgery.
I am aware of drains, and tubes and home nurse visits. (I am thankful for the home nurse visits!)
I am aware of how people look at you differently (and how this can be in my own head)
I am more aware of my body,how it will look, how it will be different. How it will never be the same.
I am aware that the reflection in the mirror is the"NEW ME"
I am VERY aware that I am one of the "LUCKY" ones.
That Phylloides tumors account for less than 1% of all Breast Cancers.
I am aware that my prognosis is good!
That Phylloides are successfully treated with surgery. Chemo and radiation are not needed.

BUT MOST OF ALL....

I am aware that I have a large network of family and friends both old and new, who love me beyond measure, who have brought meals, sent encouraging notes, cards, email, flowers. Who have dropped my girls off, picked them up, gotten them where they need to be. People who have lifted us to God in prayer. People who have dropped things in their lives to make ours easier for this time. I am more thankful than words can say. I love you all.

Are you aware....
That Breast Cancer can be detected early by regular Mammograms
That it takes less than 5 minutes to do a self breast exam. (I found my first tumor doing a self exam!)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do regular self exams and get your annual mammograms! It could save your life!

When I grow old...

I hope that I can make people laugh and that I am happy.

There was a dear soul next to me in the hospital, 89 years old, and well let's just say that physically she was in the bed next to me, mentally we were not too sure where she was at, but it was not there. She was disoriented, far off somewhere, BUT she was happy... well for the most part. She did NOT want to be in bed - in fact she wanted to be up and partying. . . "Life is too short for bed" (That just made me laugh.... )

As the nurse came to get her ready for bed she was adamant that she was not going to bed, and that she wanted to see each of us in our fancy gowns and then go to the party. I happily paraded by her in my lovely "hospital gown" of green stripes, snazzy blue squares with a plunging back that left the world gaping.... did a little twirl on my way to the bathroom - to which she clapped, and let out a little whoot whoot.... I was happy to make her smile. Besides anyone who says you look lovely in such a gown can only be trying to make YOU feel better.

She truly was a sweet thing that reminded me of a few grandmas rolled into one. Esp when she let out a "so so so" something that Royd's grandma would come out with when she was not to sure about what was going to happen next. Or when she in no uncertain terms let the nurse know she was NOT going to bed... that she wanted to party - something I could hear my own grandma saying. She was a feisty little bit of a thing - she did party all night long, at the nurses station - where the nurses said she did not sleep a wink. Then when she was wheeled back "home" for breakfast she went on and on about how those girls out there sure chatted all night long about nothing, no one could sleep a wink out there. The 3 of us left in the room hooted - and smiled about it for the rest of the day.

Truly laughter is the best medicine.

2 days and counting...

I woke up this morning, thinking 2 more sleeps and mentally making a list of things to do. Royd and I started talking a little about what this week will look like. Shanna is off to Timberline with school for 3 days of camp. I have to figure out driving and such for dance - actually I have it figured, I just have to get email off to the kind people who have offered their services while I am recovering. All the pieces are falling into place and the girls will get to where they need to be when they need to be there. God is so good, he is providing in ways that are beyond what we could ask or think.

Then Royd asked hmm, I wonder if the aunts and uncles know what is going on. There was some discussion about the family grape vine and how little filters down to us, so we assumed that little would be filtered out to others as well. He decided that he would call his dad and ask, then maybe make a few phone calls and fill a few in on what is going on. Interestingly enough I logged on to the computer this morning, check my mail and my facebook messages and have one sitting there from a cousin ......

"3 days to what? I think I have it figured out.... could you confirm."

Bless her heart! I loved that she asked for confirmation and did not assume and lead into conversations that could go so many places when there are no facts. I sent a message back, filled her in, feeling bad that she had not heard. But it is not like I stood on a mountain and shouted for the world to hear. Though I guess sharing on a blog like this is pretty much the same, except that people have to know you are writing then go and read if they so choose. Interestingly enough despite what some family grape vines are like it has been confirmed that with ours, well at least on Royd's side things do not often travel very far it they ever get started in the first place. This also means that they rarely get distorted and grown out of proportion. It is an interesting concept for me where most family conversations with my extended family often started with "did you hear what so and so is doing now...

Once again I am struck by God's timing. Royd asked the question this morning, and within a couple of hours it was answered. He did not leave us wondering for long, and was pretty clear with the answer too. That is just like God - quite simple actually. Too often I think we humans try to make God out to be a difficult entity with a long list of things to get right.... when simply he just wants relationship with us, he wants to care for us and he wants to be part of our lives. I for one will take it - I would not want to be on this journey, facing surgery to have a part of my body removed not knowing what will happen next, with out knowing God and having a simple relationship.

off to work on the lists.......

Sometimes you do not have to be there...

Usually when someone says "oh, you just needed to be there" when they are retelling a funny story, you truly needed to be there in the moment for the story to be funny. However there are times when I think that things are just plain funny, and being there is not so nessicary.

I light of my upcoming surgery this Wed (7:45 am - yeah God... I was hoping for an early appointment....) this is particularly funny. Or it was to those of us who were there, hopefully it is not one of those "you just needed to be there" things and it will give you a little laugh. I know it will keep me laughing when I recall it for years!

Friday night we were getting together with friends to go out for dinner... something we had been talking about for a VERY long time and under the pressure of upcoming surgery, finally made it all work. Shanna was all set to baby sit and we were looking forward to a great night with great friends. We dropped Shanna off, picked up our friends and off we went.

Discussion in the car started with "So Di where do you want to eat?" To which my dear husband states, in a most serious manner....
"We have been talking, and Di was saying that in light of surgery on Wed she wanted to go to a place that would be memorable and would hold some "special meaning" something to look back on with fondness.... "

D & B are like " Sure, ya where ever... it is up to you". I think they are expecting a nicer, higher end suggestion.....

In the meantime I am sitting in the passenger seat trying looking out the window, trying with all my might to keep a very serious expression... when I turn and say "I think we should go to HOOTERS" The car erupted in laughter and the tone was set for the rest of the evening.

We did not go to HOOTERS, mainly because we did not really want to go to Surrey from Burnaby on a Friday night at the end of rush hour. We settled on Earls and headed out. Once we were settled, drinks had been brought, we had chuckled over the HOOTERS conversation of earlier we began to order....

B orders Ribs... pretty innocuous until the waiter asks...."Is that a full rack?" Poor guy, I got the giggles, Royd gets the giggles.... B & D get the giggles, then he says... well "No one really likes a 1/2 rack. At which point I could not suppress the out and out laughter... - The whole table is laughing and the stunned waiter has no idea...

"Royd says something like... sorry, inside joke" as we continue to laugh....

I am so glad that despite the fact that I will infact be living with a 1/2 rack for a while, I am able to find the humor in situations like this. It truly makes walking this journey a whole lot more fun, and helps keep things in perspective. It just goes to prove that it is the people and the conversations that make an evening like this memorable!

A story for another day.... Busterino Pizza Whistler.... Just the name makes me smile....
Life is good! In the midst of the hard stuff - if you have friends who love you and you can still laugh the hard stuff does not seem so hard!