With my right arm is out of commission for the most part, I have noticed that I live pretty much in right hand dominance... except for when I grab a pen to write or fork to eat - my primal instinct kicks in there and it is LEFT hand all the way. Whew! Fore everything else I have to engage the brain - make a concious effort - to think about what I am doing.
Here are a few things I did NOT think about.... OUCH!!!!!!11
Computer mouse - even with the touch pad on the laptop - co-ordinating ones left hand to do the job your brain is telling your right hand to do.... with pain meds in your system.. is a long process of hit and miss.
Camera - (self timer is good - holding it to take more than 1 or 2 shots not good)
Pulling a jug of milk out of the fridge causes great pain when you do not think about which hand you use - my natural instinct is to reach with the right!
Taking things out of the microwave.... see above
Fastening my jeans near to impossible ( I do have the buttons on a shirt mastered! Just wear T-shirts!)
Opening a door
I thought I'd scrapbook a little, but using the paper trimmer & the pulling action of the slider- not so smart. Thankfully good old fashioned scissors work best in my left hand. (I did manage a little project - more on that later)
Trying to pull up bed covers, or adjust a pillow...
Washing my hair one handed... Thankfully my hair is SHORT.
Sadly most of these things happen before I think and then the pain hits me like a 2 x 4. One would think that after one such incident I would learn.. not so much! Oh well - there is hope.
It is crazy the number of things we do in a day that we just DO, we do not think about HOW we do them, we just do them. 100's of things everyday. Then when something happens that hinders the natural process - it can be frustrating, challenging and a good brain work out. However in light of all the "non-thinking, slightly painful moments" I have been having recovery is progressing well. Today the itching is minimal (YIPEE!!!!). The home care nurse just left and said that the drain area looks great! (we are just waiting for fluid to be less than 30 cc/ 24 hour period before that sucker is GONE!) When I think before acting, I am able to keep to the pain meds only at night - rolling over = shooting, totaly uncomfortable pain, that is easily avoided with a T3 and a regular strength Tylenol kicker.
Doctors & nurses are pleased with the progress and tell me to keep doing what I am doing because what ever it is is working in my favour.
Crossing my fingers that the drain comes out Wed! Then I can take small adventures out of the house.
Thankfully that typing is not so bad when the injured wing is tucked in close to my side. Though more than 10 minutes at a time is not so smart.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Sweet 16...
Happy Birthday Ashlynn!
My sweet daughter turned 16 today - how is it that time flies so fast. It is true what "They" say, "Life passes in the blink of an eye" gone are the days of soothers,dress up, high chairs and car seats. Here are the days of, solo trips to the mall, dressing, over seas band trips up and car keys.... YIKES!
October 3rd, 1992 - I remember it with unmarred clearness. Oddly because I could not tell you the events of yesterday like I recall that day. I awoke around 5am feeling a little "odd" something was just off... The baby was already a few days late so you would think I would have a clue - or at least clue in. Nope I got up went to the bathroom and went back to bed. At 7 I woke up again still feeling "odd" and mentioned it to Royd who thankfully "had a clue". To this day I am thankful for his calm! This was not going to be a regular Saturday for us, it would be the Saturday that changed our lives forever for the better.
Around 8:00 I called the doctor (I did not want to wake him or be a bother, it was a Saturday!) who said I should probably get to the hospital, but not to worry there would be lots of time. HA! We got ready at a leisurely pace, by 9:00 we were in the car and on our way. In the mean time, there were no doubts that labour had started. It was not unbearable, but it was certainly more than just an odd feeling...
First stop - my sister's to pick her up. (Thankfully she lived on route to the hospital) That turned into the longest 5 minute car ride of my life! The 30 seconds I had to wait in the car on my own as Royd went to the door seemed like an hour. My time perspective was a little off I think. Thankfully it was a Saturday, and traffic was light. When we pulled out into traffic, heavy contractions set in - my poor dear husband was trying to drive, and keep me calm, while trying to remain calm himself... I specifically recall one corner, turning from Lougheed Highway to North Road - and a superdoopercrazy contraction hit, my back was arched, my feet were pushed into the floorboards and the car starts to turn the corner.. I seriously thought I was going to be on the sidewalk - Just the over active imagination of a woman in labour. Then as quick as it arrived it was gone. Once Dawna was in the car we were at the hospital less than 5 minutes later - then I had to get out of the car... between contractions, breathing, trying to focus. We eventually made it into registration, then the labour room.... I was 4 cm dilated when I arrived. Then my water broke... and as they say all hell broke loose, I was too far along for any sort of pain meds to be given, which would have been our choice anyways. I was wheeled into delivery and Ashlynn Danae entered this world at 12:45 - healthy, and beautiful.
I remember the total euphoric awe when I held my precious baby girl in my arms for the first time. The sense of responsibility that God had entrusted us with.
Now 16 years later - I am still in Awe with all that God has done in our family from that day forth. Ashlynn is a beautiful teenager with a sense of style and individuality that is inspiring. Happy Birthday - my sweet girl.
I love you.
Mommy
My sweet daughter turned 16 today - how is it that time flies so fast. It is true what "They" say, "Life passes in the blink of an eye" gone are the days of soothers,dress up, high chairs and car seats. Here are the days of, solo trips to the mall, dressing, over seas band trips up and car keys.... YIKES!
October 3rd, 1992 - I remember it with unmarred clearness. Oddly because I could not tell you the events of yesterday like I recall that day. I awoke around 5am feeling a little "odd" something was just off... The baby was already a few days late so you would think I would have a clue - or at least clue in. Nope I got up went to the bathroom and went back to bed. At 7 I woke up again still feeling "odd" and mentioned it to Royd who thankfully "had a clue". To this day I am thankful for his calm! This was not going to be a regular Saturday for us, it would be the Saturday that changed our lives forever for the better.
Around 8:00 I called the doctor (I did not want to wake him or be a bother, it was a Saturday!) who said I should probably get to the hospital, but not to worry there would be lots of time. HA! We got ready at a leisurely pace, by 9:00 we were in the car and on our way. In the mean time, there were no doubts that labour had started. It was not unbearable, but it was certainly more than just an odd feeling...
First stop - my sister's to pick her up. (Thankfully she lived on route to the hospital) That turned into the longest 5 minute car ride of my life! The 30 seconds I had to wait in the car on my own as Royd went to the door seemed like an hour. My time perspective was a little off I think. Thankfully it was a Saturday, and traffic was light. When we pulled out into traffic, heavy contractions set in - my poor dear husband was trying to drive, and keep me calm, while trying to remain calm himself... I specifically recall one corner, turning from Lougheed Highway to North Road - and a superdoopercrazy contraction hit, my back was arched, my feet were pushed into the floorboards and the car starts to turn the corner.. I seriously thought I was going to be on the sidewalk - Just the over active imagination of a woman in labour. Then as quick as it arrived it was gone. Once Dawna was in the car we were at the hospital less than 5 minutes later - then I had to get out of the car... between contractions, breathing, trying to focus. We eventually made it into registration, then the labour room.... I was 4 cm dilated when I arrived. Then my water broke... and as they say all hell broke loose, I was too far along for any sort of pain meds to be given, which would have been our choice anyways. I was wheeled into delivery and Ashlynn Danae entered this world at 12:45 - healthy, and beautiful.
I remember the total euphoric awe when I held my precious baby girl in my arms for the first time. The sense of responsibility that God had entrusted us with.
Now 16 years later - I am still in Awe with all that God has done in our family from that day forth. Ashlynn is a beautiful teenager with a sense of style and individuality that is inspiring. Happy Birthday - my sweet girl.
I love you.
Mommy
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
October is Breast Cancer awareness month....
Oh I am very aware of Breast Cancer this month as I sit on my couch.
I am aware that when you google Breast cancer there are 50,800,000 hits. That is WAY too much information.
I am aware of how your heart stops for a minute when you hear "its Breast Cancer" and how it sinks deeper when you hear "it's come back"
I am aware that I am now one of the statistics (1 in 9 Canadian women).
I am aware that you can actually feel the monster growing in your body
I am aware of the sleepless nights as you wrestle with treatment options.
There are so many options.....
I am aware of the fear as you play the "what if game"
What if it comes back AGAIN, what if surgery is not successful, what if I do not wake up......
I am aware of Doctors and medical teams that have dedicated their lives to eradicating this ugly disease.
I am aware of support groups, that are there to see you through it.
I am aware of friends, grandparents, mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins who have all been touched in some way....
I am aware of the pain and discomfort associated with surgery.
I am aware of drains, and tubes and home nurse visits. (I am thankful for the home nurse visits!)
I am aware of how people look at you differently (and how this can be in my own head)
I am more aware of my body,how it will look, how it will be different. How it will never be the same.
I am aware that the reflection in the mirror is the"NEW ME"
I am VERY aware that I am one of the "LUCKY" ones.
That Phylloides tumors account for less than 1% of all Breast Cancers.
I am aware that my prognosis is good!
That Phylloides are successfully treated with surgery. Chemo and radiation are not needed.
BUT MOST OF ALL....
I am aware that I have a large network of family and friends both old and new, who love me beyond measure, who have brought meals, sent encouraging notes, cards, email, flowers. Who have dropped my girls off, picked them up, gotten them where they need to be. People who have lifted us to God in prayer. People who have dropped things in their lives to make ours easier for this time. I am more thankful than words can say. I love you all.
Are you aware....
That Breast Cancer can be detected early by regular Mammograms
That it takes less than 5 minutes to do a self breast exam. (I found my first tumor doing a self exam!)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do regular self exams and get your annual mammograms! It could save your life!
I am aware that when you google Breast cancer there are 50,800,000 hits. That is WAY too much information.
I am aware of how your heart stops for a minute when you hear "its Breast Cancer" and how it sinks deeper when you hear "it's come back"
I am aware that I am now one of the statistics (1 in 9 Canadian women).
I am aware that you can actually feel the monster growing in your body
I am aware of the sleepless nights as you wrestle with treatment options.
There are so many options.....
I am aware of the fear as you play the "what if game"
What if it comes back AGAIN, what if surgery is not successful, what if I do not wake up......
I am aware of Doctors and medical teams that have dedicated their lives to eradicating this ugly disease.
I am aware of support groups, that are there to see you through it.
I am aware of friends, grandparents, mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins who have all been touched in some way....
I am aware of the pain and discomfort associated with surgery.
I am aware of drains, and tubes and home nurse visits. (I am thankful for the home nurse visits!)
I am aware of how people look at you differently (and how this can be in my own head)
I am more aware of my body,how it will look, how it will be different. How it will never be the same.
I am aware that the reflection in the mirror is the"NEW ME"
I am VERY aware that I am one of the "LUCKY" ones.
That Phylloides tumors account for less than 1% of all Breast Cancers.
I am aware that my prognosis is good!
That Phylloides are successfully treated with surgery. Chemo and radiation are not needed.
BUT MOST OF ALL....
I am aware that I have a large network of family and friends both old and new, who love me beyond measure, who have brought meals, sent encouraging notes, cards, email, flowers. Who have dropped my girls off, picked them up, gotten them where they need to be. People who have lifted us to God in prayer. People who have dropped things in their lives to make ours easier for this time. I am more thankful than words can say. I love you all.
Are you aware....
That Breast Cancer can be detected early by regular Mammograms
That it takes less than 5 minutes to do a self breast exam. (I found my first tumor doing a self exam!)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do regular self exams and get your annual mammograms! It could save your life!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
When I grow old...
I hope that I can make people laugh and that I am happy.
There was a dear soul next to me in the hospital, 89 years old, and well let's just say that physically she was in the bed next to me, mentally we were not too sure where she was at, but it was not there. She was disoriented, far off somewhere, BUT she was happy... well for the most part. She did NOT want to be in bed - in fact she wanted to be up and partying. . . "Life is too short for bed" (That just made me laugh.... )
As the nurse came to get her ready for bed she was adamant that she was not going to bed, and that she wanted to see each of us in our fancy gowns and then go to the party. I happily paraded by her in my lovely "hospital gown" of green stripes, snazzy blue squares with a plunging back that left the world gaping.... did a little twirl on my way to the bathroom - to which she clapped, and let out a little whoot whoot.... I was happy to make her smile. Besides anyone who says you look lovely in such a gown can only be trying to make YOU feel better.
She truly was a sweet thing that reminded me of a few grandmas rolled into one. Esp when she let out a "so so so" something that Royd's grandma would come out with when she was not to sure about what was going to happen next. Or when she in no uncertain terms let the nurse know she was NOT going to bed... that she wanted to party - something I could hear my own grandma saying. She was a feisty little bit of a thing - she did party all night long, at the nurses station - where the nurses said she did not sleep a wink. Then when she was wheeled back "home" for breakfast she went on and on about how those girls out there sure chatted all night long about nothing, no one could sleep a wink out there. The 3 of us left in the room hooted - and smiled about it for the rest of the day.
Truly laughter is the best medicine.
There was a dear soul next to me in the hospital, 89 years old, and well let's just say that physically she was in the bed next to me, mentally we were not too sure where she was at, but it was not there. She was disoriented, far off somewhere, BUT she was happy... well for the most part. She did NOT want to be in bed - in fact she wanted to be up and partying. . . "Life is too short for bed" (That just made me laugh.... )
As the nurse came to get her ready for bed she was adamant that she was not going to bed, and that she wanted to see each of us in our fancy gowns and then go to the party. I happily paraded by her in my lovely "hospital gown" of green stripes, snazzy blue squares with a plunging back that left the world gaping.... did a little twirl on my way to the bathroom - to which she clapped, and let out a little whoot whoot.... I was happy to make her smile. Besides anyone who says you look lovely in such a gown can only be trying to make YOU feel better.
She truly was a sweet thing that reminded me of a few grandmas rolled into one. Esp when she let out a "so so so" something that Royd's grandma would come out with when she was not to sure about what was going to happen next. Or when she in no uncertain terms let the nurse know she was NOT going to bed... that she wanted to party - something I could hear my own grandma saying. She was a feisty little bit of a thing - she did party all night long, at the nurses station - where the nurses said she did not sleep a wink. Then when she was wheeled back "home" for breakfast she went on and on about how those girls out there sure chatted all night long about nothing, no one could sleep a wink out there. The 3 of us left in the room hooted - and smiled about it for the rest of the day.
Truly laughter is the best medicine.
Monday, September 22, 2008
2 days and counting...
I woke up this morning, thinking 2 more sleeps and mentally making a list of things to do. Royd and I started talking a little about what this week will look like. Shanna is off to Timberline with school for 3 days of camp. I have to figure out driving and such for dance - actually I have it figured, I just have to get email off to the kind people who have offered their services while I am recovering. All the pieces are falling into place and the girls will get to where they need to be when they need to be there. God is so good, he is providing in ways that are beyond what we could ask or think.
Then Royd asked hmm, I wonder if the aunts and uncles know what is going on. There was some discussion about the family grape vine and how little filters down to us, so we assumed that little would be filtered out to others as well. He decided that he would call his dad and ask, then maybe make a few phone calls and fill a few in on what is going on. Interestingly enough I logged on to the computer this morning, check my mail and my facebook messages and have one sitting there from a cousin ......
"3 days to what? I think I have it figured out.... could you confirm."
Bless her heart! I loved that she asked for confirmation and did not assume and lead into conversations that could go so many places when there are no facts. I sent a message back, filled her in, feeling bad that she had not heard. But it is not like I stood on a mountain and shouted for the world to hear. Though I guess sharing on a blog like this is pretty much the same, except that people have to know you are writing then go and read if they so choose. Interestingly enough despite what some family grape vines are like it has been confirmed that with ours, well at least on Royd's side things do not often travel very far it they ever get started in the first place. This also means that they rarely get distorted and grown out of proportion. It is an interesting concept for me where most family conversations with my extended family often started with "did you hear what so and so is doing now...
Once again I am struck by God's timing. Royd asked the question this morning, and within a couple of hours it was answered. He did not leave us wondering for long, and was pretty clear with the answer too. That is just like God - quite simple actually. Too often I think we humans try to make God out to be a difficult entity with a long list of things to get right.... when simply he just wants relationship with us, he wants to care for us and he wants to be part of our lives. I for one will take it - I would not want to be on this journey, facing surgery to have a part of my body removed not knowing what will happen next, with out knowing God and having a simple relationship.
off to work on the lists.......
Then Royd asked hmm, I wonder if the aunts and uncles know what is going on. There was some discussion about the family grape vine and how little filters down to us, so we assumed that little would be filtered out to others as well. He decided that he would call his dad and ask, then maybe make a few phone calls and fill a few in on what is going on. Interestingly enough I logged on to the computer this morning, check my mail and my facebook messages and have one sitting there from a cousin ......
"3 days to what? I think I have it figured out.... could you confirm."
Bless her heart! I loved that she asked for confirmation and did not assume and lead into conversations that could go so many places when there are no facts. I sent a message back, filled her in, feeling bad that she had not heard. But it is not like I stood on a mountain and shouted for the world to hear. Though I guess sharing on a blog like this is pretty much the same, except that people have to know you are writing then go and read if they so choose. Interestingly enough despite what some family grape vines are like it has been confirmed that with ours, well at least on Royd's side things do not often travel very far it they ever get started in the first place. This also means that they rarely get distorted and grown out of proportion. It is an interesting concept for me where most family conversations with my extended family often started with "did you hear what so and so is doing now...
Once again I am struck by God's timing. Royd asked the question this morning, and within a couple of hours it was answered. He did not leave us wondering for long, and was pretty clear with the answer too. That is just like God - quite simple actually. Too often I think we humans try to make God out to be a difficult entity with a long list of things to get right.... when simply he just wants relationship with us, he wants to care for us and he wants to be part of our lives. I for one will take it - I would not want to be on this journey, facing surgery to have a part of my body removed not knowing what will happen next, with out knowing God and having a simple relationship.
off to work on the lists.......
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Sometimes you do not have to be there...
Usually when someone says "oh, you just needed to be there" when they are retelling a funny story, you truly needed to be there in the moment for the story to be funny. However there are times when I think that things are just plain funny, and being there is not so nessicary.
I light of my upcoming surgery this Wed (7:45 am - yeah God... I was hoping for an early appointment....) this is particularly funny. Or it was to those of us who were there, hopefully it is not one of those "you just needed to be there" things and it will give you a little laugh. I know it will keep me laughing when I recall it for years!
Friday night we were getting together with friends to go out for dinner... something we had been talking about for a VERY long time and under the pressure of upcoming surgery, finally made it all work. Shanna was all set to baby sit and we were looking forward to a great night with great friends. We dropped Shanna off, picked up our friends and off we went.
Discussion in the car started with "So Di where do you want to eat?" To which my dear husband states, in a most serious manner....
"We have been talking, and Di was saying that in light of surgery on Wed she wanted to go to a place that would be memorable and would hold some "special meaning" something to look back on with fondness.... "
D & B are like " Sure, ya where ever... it is up to you". I think they are expecting a nicer, higher end suggestion.....
In the meantime I am sitting in the passenger seat trying looking out the window, trying with all my might to keep a very serious expression... when I turn and say "I think we should go to HOOTERS" The car erupted in laughter and the tone was set for the rest of the evening.
We did not go to HOOTERS, mainly because we did not really want to go to Surrey from Burnaby on a Friday night at the end of rush hour. We settled on Earls and headed out. Once we were settled, drinks had been brought, we had chuckled over the HOOTERS conversation of earlier we began to order....
B orders Ribs... pretty innocuous until the waiter asks...."Is that a full rack?" Poor guy, I got the giggles, Royd gets the giggles.... B & D get the giggles, then he says... well "No one really likes a 1/2 rack. At which point I could not suppress the out and out laughter... - The whole table is laughing and the stunned waiter has no idea...
"Royd says something like... sorry, inside joke" as we continue to laugh....
I am so glad that despite the fact that I will infact be living with a 1/2 rack for a while, I am able to find the humor in situations like this. It truly makes walking this journey a whole lot more fun, and helps keep things in perspective. It just goes to prove that it is the people and the conversations that make an evening like this memorable!
A story for another day.... Busterino Pizza Whistler.... Just the name makes me smile....
Life is good! In the midst of the hard stuff - if you have friends who love you and you can still laugh the hard stuff does not seem so hard!
I light of my upcoming surgery this Wed (7:45 am - yeah God... I was hoping for an early appointment....) this is particularly funny. Or it was to those of us who were there, hopefully it is not one of those "you just needed to be there" things and it will give you a little laugh. I know it will keep me laughing when I recall it for years!
Friday night we were getting together with friends to go out for dinner... something we had been talking about for a VERY long time and under the pressure of upcoming surgery, finally made it all work. Shanna was all set to baby sit and we were looking forward to a great night with great friends. We dropped Shanna off, picked up our friends and off we went.
Discussion in the car started with "So Di where do you want to eat?" To which my dear husband states, in a most serious manner....
"We have been talking, and Di was saying that in light of surgery on Wed she wanted to go to a place that would be memorable and would hold some "special meaning" something to look back on with fondness.... "
D & B are like " Sure, ya where ever... it is up to you". I think they are expecting a nicer, higher end suggestion.....
In the meantime I am sitting in the passenger seat trying looking out the window, trying with all my might to keep a very serious expression... when I turn and say "I think we should go to HOOTERS" The car erupted in laughter and the tone was set for the rest of the evening.
We did not go to HOOTERS, mainly because we did not really want to go to Surrey from Burnaby on a Friday night at the end of rush hour. We settled on Earls and headed out. Once we were settled, drinks had been brought, we had chuckled over the HOOTERS conversation of earlier we began to order....
B orders Ribs... pretty innocuous until the waiter asks...."Is that a full rack?" Poor guy, I got the giggles, Royd gets the giggles.... B & D get the giggles, then he says... well "No one really likes a 1/2 rack. At which point I could not suppress the out and out laughter... - The whole table is laughing and the stunned waiter has no idea...
"Royd says something like... sorry, inside joke" as we continue to laugh....
I am so glad that despite the fact that I will infact be living with a 1/2 rack for a while, I am able to find the humor in situations like this. It truly makes walking this journey a whole lot more fun, and helps keep things in perspective. It just goes to prove that it is the people and the conversations that make an evening like this memorable!
A story for another day.... Busterino Pizza Whistler.... Just the name makes me smile....
Life is good! In the midst of the hard stuff - if you have friends who love you and you can still laugh the hard stuff does not seem so hard!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Time is drawing near
September 24th has been marked on the calendar for a few weeks now, the surgeons office called in August I marked the calendar, but it did not really hit me until it was actually flipped and SEPTEMBER looked out from the page with stark boldness. My first thought... turn the calendar back to AUGUST and do not think about it. Time still flies like a nasty bat!
Let's just say that September 1st was not one of my best of days! Sure I went about my day, did what I needed to do, but I was not all there, my mind was pre-occupied, and I had to give myself a few pep talks to keep the pity party and tears at bay. Still a few fell. The reality of it is on the first of September I started counting days, 24 days and counting down. Just like we did as children awaiting the coming of Christmas, except it is not with excitement and impatiens because we can not wait for the grandness of the day. It is with apprehension, trepidation, and a little fear of the unknown. Sure this is the second time around and I know better what to expect when I arrive at the hospital, but my tummy still gets a little knot and feels a little off when I think about the whole process and the recovery. So I try not to think too much!
I do not doubt for a moment the decision, BUT in 17 days I will be having some pretty radical surgery. I will be put under for several hours and when I wake up my body will be forever different. There are lots of things to be apprehensive about... this is breast cancer, being under, waking up, body changes, sleeping in the hospital (or more like not being able to) coming home, caring for my self and my family, reaction of self and others after surgery, recovery time? If I dwell there my mind boggles and I do not see clearly.
I know that at this moment in time, I do not totally understand all the emotional ramifications of having a breast removed, I do not think one can know such things until you actually go through the process. I have read some information, talked to people who have been there, connected with a great support group on line and tried to prep myself the best I can, but until it actually happens, and the breast is gone I do not think it will sink in. I am trying to be as ready as possible.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, I have total confidence in my medical team and the decision that has been made.
I Know what they tell me and what is written in the books about Phelloydes tumors and how they are highly treatable with surgery and that chemo and radiation are not needed. That they are not considered life threatening, they do not metastasize...But this IS round 2.....and that in it's self is a tad bit unsettling. It is what it is and it has to come off!
I know that I have 110% support from my family and friends. But it is still a bit scary.
I know or have been told I do not look sick - Nor I do not feel sick, But I can now feel this lump where 2 months ago I could not. It is growing.
I know in my heart that I am not walking this journey alone, that God is walking with me every step of the way. I feel it, I know it, I do not doubt it for one moment! I am thankful beyond words, I would not want to walk this road alone.
Knowing these things my head does not mean that it is translating well to my heart and emotional being some days. There are days when I do not want to lift my head of the pillow... I want to sit and wallow but I will NOT allow myself to let this get me that down. There have been tears, but for the most part, I pick myself up, brush myself off and go on with the days... living, loving, learning and exploring the world around me. Enjoying them as they come -sun or rain! Laughing with the girls, getting them settled at school, working, visiting with dear friends, walking the sea wall come what may it is one day at a time.
And you know what they are all good days (even the ones with tears!) When you are able to wake up and enjoy the day, you enjoy the day!
Let's just say that September 1st was not one of my best of days! Sure I went about my day, did what I needed to do, but I was not all there, my mind was pre-occupied, and I had to give myself a few pep talks to keep the pity party and tears at bay. Still a few fell. The reality of it is on the first of September I started counting days, 24 days and counting down. Just like we did as children awaiting the coming of Christmas, except it is not with excitement and impatiens because we can not wait for the grandness of the day. It is with apprehension, trepidation, and a little fear of the unknown. Sure this is the second time around and I know better what to expect when I arrive at the hospital, but my tummy still gets a little knot and feels a little off when I think about the whole process and the recovery. So I try not to think too much!
I do not doubt for a moment the decision, BUT in 17 days I will be having some pretty radical surgery. I will be put under for several hours and when I wake up my body will be forever different. There are lots of things to be apprehensive about... this is breast cancer, being under, waking up, body changes, sleeping in the hospital (or more like not being able to) coming home, caring for my self and my family, reaction of self and others after surgery, recovery time? If I dwell there my mind boggles and I do not see clearly.
I know that at this moment in time, I do not totally understand all the emotional ramifications of having a breast removed, I do not think one can know such things until you actually go through the process. I have read some information, talked to people who have been there, connected with a great support group on line and tried to prep myself the best I can, but until it actually happens, and the breast is gone I do not think it will sink in. I am trying to be as ready as possible.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, I have total confidence in my medical team and the decision that has been made.
I Know what they tell me and what is written in the books about Phelloydes tumors and how they are highly treatable with surgery and that chemo and radiation are not needed. That they are not considered life threatening, they do not metastasize...But this IS round 2.....and that in it's self is a tad bit unsettling. It is what it is and it has to come off!
I know that I have 110% support from my family and friends. But it is still a bit scary.
I know or have been told I do not look sick - Nor I do not feel sick, But I can now feel this lump where 2 months ago I could not. It is growing.
I know in my heart that I am not walking this journey alone, that God is walking with me every step of the way. I feel it, I know it, I do not doubt it for one moment! I am thankful beyond words, I would not want to walk this road alone.
Knowing these things my head does not mean that it is translating well to my heart and emotional being some days. There are days when I do not want to lift my head of the pillow... I want to sit and wallow but I will NOT allow myself to let this get me that down. There have been tears, but for the most part, I pick myself up, brush myself off and go on with the days... living, loving, learning and exploring the world around me. Enjoying them as they come -sun or rain! Laughing with the girls, getting them settled at school, working, visiting with dear friends, walking the sea wall come what may it is one day at a time.
And you know what they are all good days (even the ones with tears!) When you are able to wake up and enjoy the day, you enjoy the day!
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