Friday, October 10, 2008

One step forward Two steps back....

Agh, nothing about this tumor, disease, monster is easy... Yes I know it could be far worse and I do keep that in mind everyday...BUT... it seems that it has not been straight forward from the beginning. It seems like I take one step forward on the road to recovery then there is a hick-up and I have to take 2 steps back. I have been good, following Doctor's orders, resting, not lifting things with my right arm, trying to keep it as still as possible. Those are the easy things, things I am able to control... it is the things that I have utterly no control over that seem to set me back....

Even the initial diagnosis of a Phyllodes tumor - being one of the rarer forms of breast cancer - was not simple because on the mammogram & ultra sound these tumors look like simple fibroid or calcium deposits. Thankfully they were odd enough looking, and the radiologist was very good at her job and biopsies were ordered (this is not always the case, often they are monitored for a year first) and they were correctly diagnosed. 2 initial surgeries, where one should have sufficed..... Clear bill of health on follow up visits and pathology reports.... 18 months later the Phyllodes Phantom strikes again.... more surgery, a more serious surgery at that, longer recovery time... and all sorts of ripple affects in my life, on all levels, family, spiritual, work, friends..... lots of ripples.

Fast forward to today.... well lets start with yesterday. I had a follow-up appointment with the plastic surgeon - where I was told that there is a small area of skin that is not healing, that is basically dying because it is too thin and that it would have to be removed - ASAP - as it could cause some major complications down the road. GREAT!!!! Just what we want to hear!
When He said ASAP he was not kidding.... in less than 24 hours after the appointment I have a surgery time so I am off in less than 30 minutes to Eagle Ridge Hospital ONCE AGAIN - so that this smaller than dime size area can be removed. I should be home for dinner although I am sure I will not feel like eating! I will still be groggy from the anesthetic I am sure. I really do not like that feeling of total surrender that comes when the knock out Doctor administers the sleeping potion. Now do not get me wrong I would NOT want to be awake during the procedure, but that total surrender - I would like to avoid it! It is the oddest sensation, and waking up from that is even yuckier! Sometimes we just do not have a choice. (Hmm, think I have control issues???? Not really, well I do not think so, well not ones that are huge. Anyways. )

So once again the things I think are going to happen, simply are not! I thought that today I would have my drain out. That I would have a little more freedom and even maybe start driving again...Not so. After the setback on Tuesday night, when I was woken up in the wee hours of the morning with severe pain at the drain site, I discovered that the tube was blocked. I was not sure what to do, but I could see what the problem was, knew that it just needed to be unblocked.. but can I do it or should I go the hospital... I so did not want to wake up Royd to drive or the girls to tell where we were going! So I took the tube and forced the blockage out (yes it was as nasty as that sounds) got the drain working again, rinsed the collection area with saline to get rid of all the nasty stuff, hoping and praying that I did not hinder the progress because the tube was now full of air bubbles... I was not sure which way those bubbles were going to travel. I was pretty sure that the drain would not come out on Wed as originally planed (I was right! Bummer!!!) The home visit nurse told me that I did the right thing! Whew! Looking back even on that little hick-up I see that God's hand is in all of this. Had the drain come out on Wed, they would have had to put another in today at the time of surgery, which could not have gone in the same area hence another area that would be used, causing pain, discomfort and be at risk for infection and other complications. I do believe that God sees ahead of us and sees the big picture - hard to keep that in perspective at times.

So although I try to plan my life, as in there is a memorial service that I really want to attend on Saturday, A birthday dinner celebration Saturday night, Thanksgiving dinner Sunday with Royd's family, Dinner with my family Monday.. I have to keep in mind that my plans may not be the best plans. That there is someone else out there that is making far better plans than I ever could. And I am all right with that - I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Jer 29:11 has long been a life verse for me... "For I know the Plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Why do I forget this so often?

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