Sunday, September 7, 2008

Time is drawing near

September 24th has been marked on the calendar for a few weeks now, the surgeons office called in August I marked the calendar, but it did not really hit me until it was actually flipped and SEPTEMBER looked out from the page with stark boldness. My first thought... turn the calendar back to AUGUST and do not think about it. Time still flies like a nasty bat!

Let's just say that September 1st was not one of my best of days! Sure I went about my day, did what I needed to do, but I was not all there, my mind was pre-occupied, and I had to give myself a few pep talks to keep the pity party and tears at bay. Still a few fell. The reality of it is on the first of September I started counting days, 24 days and counting down. Just like we did as children awaiting the coming of Christmas, except it is not with excitement and impatiens because we can not wait for the grandness of the day. It is with apprehension, trepidation, and a little fear of the unknown. Sure this is the second time around and I know better what to expect when I arrive at the hospital, but my tummy still gets a little knot and feels a little off when I think about the whole process and the recovery. So I try not to think too much!

I do not doubt for a moment the decision, BUT in 17 days I will be having some pretty radical surgery. I will be put under for several hours and when I wake up my body will be forever different. There are lots of things to be apprehensive about... this is breast cancer, being under, waking up, body changes, sleeping in the hospital (or more like not being able to) coming home, caring for my self and my family, reaction of self and others after surgery, recovery time? If I dwell there my mind boggles and I do not see clearly.

I know that at this moment in time, I do not totally understand all the emotional ramifications of having a breast removed, I do not think one can know such things until you actually go through the process. I have read some information, talked to people who have been there, connected with a great support group on line and tried to prep myself the best I can, but until it actually happens, and the breast is gone I do not think it will sink in. I am trying to be as ready as possible.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, I have total confidence in my medical team and the decision that has been made.

I Know what they tell me and what is written in the books about Phelloydes tumors and how they are highly treatable with surgery and that chemo and radiation are not needed. That they are not considered life threatening, they do not metastasize...But this IS round 2.....and that in it's self is a tad bit unsettling. It is what it is and it has to come off!

I know that I have 110% support from my family and friends. But it is still a bit scary.

I know or have been told I do not look sick - Nor I do not feel sick, But I can now feel this lump where 2 months ago I could not. It is growing.

I know in my heart that I am not walking this journey alone, that God is walking with me every step of the way. I feel it, I know it, I do not doubt it for one moment! I am thankful beyond words, I would not want to walk this road alone.

Knowing these things my head does not mean that it is translating well to my heart and emotional being some days. There are days when I do not want to lift my head of the pillow... I want to sit and wallow but I will NOT allow myself to let this get me that down. There have been tears, but for the most part, I pick myself up, brush myself off and go on with the days... living, loving, learning and exploring the world around me. Enjoying them as they come -sun or rain! Laughing with the girls, getting them settled at school, working, visiting with dear friends, walking the sea wall come what may it is one day at a time.

And you know what they are all good days (even the ones with tears!) When you are able to wake up and enjoy the day, you enjoy the day!

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